So I saw a very welcome 67.4kg today on the scale, this being ‘Official Weigh Day’ (in my head there are trumpets sounding). I was VERY pleased with that because when I got up this morning my body felt so heavy and lumbering that I was convinced I was a good kilo heavier. (I don’t know what it is with me at the moment but I am SO tired all the time and sleeping like the dead) So I sort of limped/stumbled towards the bathroom this morning all ready to be thoroughly annoyed but it appears that I lost 200g since yesterday. I have now lost 5.4kg (11.9lb) in 8 weeks and feeling pretty fricking good about that. It means that I only have half a kilo to go to see 66 on the scale (it will be 66.9 but still). That means I will have nearly made it to my target!! I am so excited I could SPEW. Actually, that might help.
So I’m on track for a low point day again today. It seems I have left the horrors of the earlier part of the week (where I was hungry ALL THE TIME) up north, thank god. I have 11.5pts saved this week for my Brighton outing tomorrow. That should be fine as it will just be 1 pub lunch so not too disastrous – especially if I can order a baked potato. I have work drinks tonight but the wine is usually very average so will limit myself to one glass (2 at the very most) and not drink tonight when I get home.
I am wearing my hammer pants (ie my size 14 Black monsoon pants that are really more of a size 16) today and they are officially too baggy for future use. I wore them yesterday as well, freshly washed and they were loose but not desperately so. But today even G confirmed I was looking a little shabby. So unless my other Monsoon size 14s fit when I try them on on Sunday (oh dear GOD please let them fit), I have exactly one pair of pants that are wearable – my black Zara suit pants (I should add that I in fact have two black Zara suits, one ‘Zara Woman’ size 14 and the other ‘Zara Basic’ size 14. The Zara Woman is the suit that I can now get in to that I couldn’t get in to at the start of the year and the Zara Basic is more like a size 12 that is still not wearable but the style much more flattering when it does fit. I will call them ZW and ZB to differentiate as otherwise in description they are exactly the same).
Right, back to resumed programming, where was I? Oh yes, I only have my ZW suit pants that I can wear. Which begs the question, what the HELL was I wearing on the way up? Once I had grown out of my ZB pants (before which were my Zambesi pants – too much clothing starting with ‘Z’ I know) I must have only had my ZW pants to wear. Did I have another pair of trousers that I have forgotten about?? I definitely threw out my two pairs of Gap long and lean size 10 (ie UK size 14) jeans because I had worn them out in the inner thigh area but I can’t remember throwing out any work style trousers that I would have been wearing. God, I know I don’t really care about my appearance when I’m bigger and just wear whatever fits me, but was I really wearing the same pair of trousers every day, week in week out? If so, I can’t have been at this size very long because I’m sure I would have noticed. How very disturbing.
Right, so long story short, I have exactly one pair of trousers that will fit me. I think the Wallis size 16 petite stripey trousers (the gunt pants) will be going the way of these monsoon trousers as they really are quite baggy too. And very unflattering as they balloon out in weird places. So I guess I’m going to need to go shopping and get another couple of pairs of trousers to see me through the next 5kg. This makes me anxious actually as more than once I have realised I have gotten too skinny for a pair of, say, size 16 trousers so off I go, congratulating myself all the way to the clothes shop, merrily pick out a selection of size 14 trousers to go try on, only to discover that none of the buggers fit. More than once that has happened to me. Leaving me with the inescapable conclusion that I am STILL, despite often months of dieting, a size fricking 16. Soul destroying is what it is. So I am loathe to put myself through it, but I can’t keep looking like a tramp with an eating disorder at the office.
So for yet another reason, I desperately hope that those monsoon trousers fit. Because in the back of my mind, as much as I am congratulating myself for getting close to wearing them, I am still hating myself knowing that they are a SIZE FRICKING 14. I shouldn’t have to be so desperate for them to fit – they should be falling off me. I should be wearing a size 10, not a size 14. I still have SO far to go. The same fricking road to travel as I’ve travelled three times before. WTF? I’m still working my way through my disastrous diet past but will analyse that in the future. I am finding that just writing stuff down helps me see things way more clearly than letting thoughts all whirl about in my head.
Right, before the idea that I might still in fact be a size 16 overwhelms the hell out of me and sends me careening towards the kitchen cupboard packed full of crisps (relax, I’m at work – do you think I’m stupid enough to have crisps in my own kitchen cupboard?), I’m going to pause, take a deep breath and go fill up my water bottle.
LATER: The day in Brighton now looks to be in jeopardy thanks to G’s work. He may have to go in tomorrow and as the friends we are seeing in Brighton are G’s friends, I won’t be going by myself. On the one hand that disappoints me as I was quite looking forward to it and I have all those points saved up (which I REALLY could have used earlier in the week). But on the other hand, I am thinking ‘woohoo, I can go to the gym and have a healthy low point lunch and not have to expend any actual energy and just lie around on the sofa and watch Scrubs all day’. If we don’t end up going tomorrow, I will definitely be gymming it up both days this weekend which will make me feel way less anxious about the social activities in the week ahead. That would make me feel more relaxed generally and the ‘oh what’s the point if I’m eating out twice this week then all is lost, where are the chocolate digestives’ thoughts won’t be bouncing around in my skull all week.
I actually hate that teetering feeling more than I hate being hungry or feeling deprived. I use so much energy constantly fighting with myself about whether or not just to eat a bag of crisps or go hell for leather on a box of celebrations. I’m not happy either way – if I succumb then I HATE myself and am filled with regret and disappointment that I caved and of course in my mind if I only hadn’t eaten the loaf of bread and butter I would totally be 55kg at the next weigh in, and so on and so on. If I DON’T succumb then I feel deprived, angry, frustrated, annoyed, antsy, whiny and just generally out of sorts until G will shout at me ‘just eat the damn [insert whatever food I’m obsessing over here].
Its just so exhausting dancing this dance time and time again. This is the first time (well earlier in the week, I’m kind of over it now) since I started this year that I’ve really really struggled. Motivation wise, I’ve been great all along until I got sick last week when I just wanted comfort food dammit but couldn’t QUITE bring myself to go the whole hog and have pie and mash. I’m kind of ok again now that I’m back in London and back to my routine and slowly but surely feeling better. If I could just kick this lethargy though, things would be a lot better. And I have to keep those numbers in my head – only 1.4kg to go before my Boston goal. To put that in perspective, only a few weeks ago I lost 1.3kg in a single WEEK so surely, surely I can do this (not lose 1.4kg in a week, but lose it over the remaining 3 weeks). Dammit I’m doing this, I am not giving up.
The sad thing is in the back of my head I’m already thinking about how I’m going to return from the States 3kg heavier thanks to the gay abandon with which I’m going to treat menu choices over my holiday. I know I’m going to be here again in like 6 weeks, agonisingly losing last week’s weight AGAIN.
So you can’t win really.
Friday 29 February 2008
Thursday 28 February 2008
On the brink
Well I'm back in London after a few days up north for work. Its not been a great time for Widebride. Not a great time at ALL. I didn't seriously fall off the wagon or anything but it was HARD GOING and my motivation for some reason is at an all time low.
On Monday, the most stressful day, I did reasonably well even though I was feeling like shit all day. I woke up with slightly swollen glands, a tickly cough and a blocked nose. Brilliant start. I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast, then carrot and coriander soup for lunch with most of a brown bread roll. After work, I took myself off to Marks and got some dinner for the night and the next night. I also managed to wander past Primark and drop a cool £40 in there... Ahem.
So I went back to the hotel and decided I would go do a workout to see if it would clear my foggy head and sinuses. I managed 50 minutes (no run) and called it a night. I went back to my room and had a hot bath which was nice but I wasn't feeling any better. I ate the butternut squash and chicken salad from Marks that I bought the day before, and had some fruit salad and yoghurt for pudding. I finished the day on 14.5 points, thus saving 3.5.
Tuesday I woke up feeling as equally rough - I mean its one thing if I'd downed an entire bottle of chardonnay but quite another when I was eating well and exercising. Curses. To make myself feel better, I decided to have a hot breakfast consisting of a big splodge of scrambled egg, a poached egg, a slice of bacon, some tomatoes and mushrooms. What can I say - clearly I was needing protein. Oh and I called it 5 points - sue me. At that point, I very nearly decided I had fucked up the whole day and might as well just eat pies for lunch. But I exercised some restraint and instead had a turkey salad sandwich (made to order so no butter or other hidden nasties) and a banana. Then in order to appease my guilt at my 5 point breakfast, I went to the gym for 60 minutes to really try and sweat my fricking cold out. Didn't work.
Dinner was potato and egg salad and prawns, then fruit salad and yoghurt for later. I came in at 18 points for the day and I was BARELY holding on my my fingernails. I just wanted to eat big warm comforting carbs and I couldn't. It was an all time low.
Yesterday I had a much healthier breakfast - cereal with yoghurt and a small glass of apple juice. Lunch was vegetarian sushi and mango so I was up to 9.5 pts by 1.30pm. I had to get the train back to London that day so I figured I would have some grapes or something on the train (prepurchased at WH Smith with a wedding mag) but I was foiled when I couldn't find any. And I was a bit concerned as G was was in charge of cooking dinner and i didn't know how many points I needed to reserve. I thought it would be something very carb-y so I just decided to go without.
I sat on the train, opened my mag and took a swig of diet coke feeling miserable and hungry. And THEN some FUCKER came in my carriage eating a pasty so the whole carriage was filled with the smell of hot meat and pastry. My GOD it was agony. I wanted to cry at that point. Or mug him. Either or.
But I held it together and made it to London just having diet coke as a snack. Distinctly unsatisfying. But G (bless him) had made baked turkey breast with honey glazed carrots. I had a really small piece of turkey so called it 3pts instead of 4, leaving me 1.5pts for fruit salad for pudding. So again, I held it together even though the smell of G's red wine kept wafting in my direction making me want to cry. Or mug him. Either or.
Today has been a bit easier even though I'm still feeling like arse. I had a weightwatchers cereal bar for breakfast, a banana for morning tea, a bread roll and chicken slices for lunch, then yoghurt and pineapple for afternoon tea to sustain me through a rigorous gym session. I was feeling good about my decision to go despite feeling exhausted, having a headache and a bunged up nose.
I got almost to the gym door when I realised I hadn't posted the card to my friend who has just had a baby. So I detoured a bit to go by the post box when it happened. A little voice popped in to my head - you're tired, you're sick, the supermarket is right there, why don't you just flag the gym until you're feeling better.
So just like that, I didn't go. I don't know why I'm now obsessing over that decision and feeling like I'm cheating. Maybe because I only went once last week and was really hoping for 4 full sessions this week. Maybe its because I really am teetering on the edge of holding this diet together and I feel like one chink in my armour will lead to another, leading to another, leading to me giving it up altogether.
Its 3 weeks today that we go off to Boston and after my weigh in this morning (67.6kg) I have just over 1 and a half kilos to lose to reach my goal. God I'd love to do it I really would. Its going to be hard though - I have work drinks tomorrow (but I'll go easy - the cheap wine we get there really isn't worth it), G and I are going to Brighton on Saturday. Next week I have a work networking schmoozing evening (oh GOD) which will feature wine (a necessary evil to survive what is going to be a shocker of an evening - honestly, I would rather be fat than have to go through THAT sober), Thursday G and I are going out for dinner to celebrate the one year anniversary of our engagement. Thank god the weekend is clear so I will aim for 5 gym sessions that week. Then the weekend after we go to Edinburgh for G's work (2 big work dinners - great), the next Monday is G's mother's birthday and we're going out for dinner (again, I will need alcohol for that) then on the Thursday we fly the friendly skies.
So long story short, I have a LOT of social things coming up where eating is not going to be in my control (well, the menu isnt' going to be in my control) so I'm a bit worried about that.
But its the February try on this weekend and I'm really looking forward to that. I am expecting big things so I just hope to god I'm not disappointed. I really really want to be in those damn monsoon pants for Boston so they need to be on the verge of fitting this weekend. G said this morning that he thought I was looking very trim so hopefully I will get there.
In wedding news, the save the date cards arrived today!!! They are SO beautiful I could just cry. Will address them all this weekend - or at least make a start.
On Monday, the most stressful day, I did reasonably well even though I was feeling like shit all day. I woke up with slightly swollen glands, a tickly cough and a blocked nose. Brilliant start. I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast, then carrot and coriander soup for lunch with most of a brown bread roll. After work, I took myself off to Marks and got some dinner for the night and the next night. I also managed to wander past Primark and drop a cool £40 in there... Ahem.
So I went back to the hotel and decided I would go do a workout to see if it would clear my foggy head and sinuses. I managed 50 minutes (no run) and called it a night. I went back to my room and had a hot bath which was nice but I wasn't feeling any better. I ate the butternut squash and chicken salad from Marks that I bought the day before, and had some fruit salad and yoghurt for pudding. I finished the day on 14.5 points, thus saving 3.5.
Tuesday I woke up feeling as equally rough - I mean its one thing if I'd downed an entire bottle of chardonnay but quite another when I was eating well and exercising. Curses. To make myself feel better, I decided to have a hot breakfast consisting of a big splodge of scrambled egg, a poached egg, a slice of bacon, some tomatoes and mushrooms. What can I say - clearly I was needing protein. Oh and I called it 5 points - sue me. At that point, I very nearly decided I had fucked up the whole day and might as well just eat pies for lunch. But I exercised some restraint and instead had a turkey salad sandwich (made to order so no butter or other hidden nasties) and a banana. Then in order to appease my guilt at my 5 point breakfast, I went to the gym for 60 minutes to really try and sweat my fricking cold out. Didn't work.
Dinner was potato and egg salad and prawns, then fruit salad and yoghurt for later. I came in at 18 points for the day and I was BARELY holding on my my fingernails. I just wanted to eat big warm comforting carbs and I couldn't. It was an all time low.
Yesterday I had a much healthier breakfast - cereal with yoghurt and a small glass of apple juice. Lunch was vegetarian sushi and mango so I was up to 9.5 pts by 1.30pm. I had to get the train back to London that day so I figured I would have some grapes or something on the train (prepurchased at WH Smith with a wedding mag) but I was foiled when I couldn't find any. And I was a bit concerned as G was was in charge of cooking dinner and i didn't know how many points I needed to reserve. I thought it would be something very carb-y so I just decided to go without.
I sat on the train, opened my mag and took a swig of diet coke feeling miserable and hungry. And THEN some FUCKER came in my carriage eating a pasty so the whole carriage was filled with the smell of hot meat and pastry. My GOD it was agony. I wanted to cry at that point. Or mug him. Either or.
But I held it together and made it to London just having diet coke as a snack. Distinctly unsatisfying. But G (bless him) had made baked turkey breast with honey glazed carrots. I had a really small piece of turkey so called it 3pts instead of 4, leaving me 1.5pts for fruit salad for pudding. So again, I held it together even though the smell of G's red wine kept wafting in my direction making me want to cry. Or mug him. Either or.
Today has been a bit easier even though I'm still feeling like arse. I had a weightwatchers cereal bar for breakfast, a banana for morning tea, a bread roll and chicken slices for lunch, then yoghurt and pineapple for afternoon tea to sustain me through a rigorous gym session. I was feeling good about my decision to go despite feeling exhausted, having a headache and a bunged up nose.
I got almost to the gym door when I realised I hadn't posted the card to my friend who has just had a baby. So I detoured a bit to go by the post box when it happened. A little voice popped in to my head - you're tired, you're sick, the supermarket is right there, why don't you just flag the gym until you're feeling better.
So just like that, I didn't go. I don't know why I'm now obsessing over that decision and feeling like I'm cheating. Maybe because I only went once last week and was really hoping for 4 full sessions this week. Maybe its because I really am teetering on the edge of holding this diet together and I feel like one chink in my armour will lead to another, leading to another, leading to me giving it up altogether.
Its 3 weeks today that we go off to Boston and after my weigh in this morning (67.6kg) I have just over 1 and a half kilos to lose to reach my goal. God I'd love to do it I really would. Its going to be hard though - I have work drinks tomorrow (but I'll go easy - the cheap wine we get there really isn't worth it), G and I are going to Brighton on Saturday. Next week I have a work networking schmoozing evening (oh GOD) which will feature wine (a necessary evil to survive what is going to be a shocker of an evening - honestly, I would rather be fat than have to go through THAT sober), Thursday G and I are going out for dinner to celebrate the one year anniversary of our engagement. Thank god the weekend is clear so I will aim for 5 gym sessions that week. Then the weekend after we go to Edinburgh for G's work (2 big work dinners - great), the next Monday is G's mother's birthday and we're going out for dinner (again, I will need alcohol for that) then on the Thursday we fly the friendly skies.
So long story short, I have a LOT of social things coming up where eating is not going to be in my control (well, the menu isnt' going to be in my control) so I'm a bit worried about that.
But its the February try on this weekend and I'm really looking forward to that. I am expecting big things so I just hope to god I'm not disappointed. I really really want to be in those damn monsoon pants for Boston so they need to be on the verge of fitting this weekend. G said this morning that he thought I was looking very trim so hopefully I will get there.
In wedding news, the save the date cards arrived today!!! They are SO beautiful I could just cry. Will address them all this weekend - or at least make a start.
Sunday 24 February 2008
Putting the 'wide' back in to WideBride
Yeah, the eating hasn't been so great the last few days...
Yesterday G and I went to a full day wine tasting and that was never going to end well. I could not tell you how much wine I had but it ended with a shared bowl of cheese fries and almost an entire sausage pizza. I woke up about 3 times during last night in a furious sweat from having so much salt and I couldn't rehydrate myself no matter how much water i drank.
Then today, sporting a headache and now a sniffly nose and raised glands, I had toast with low fat spread and marmite, a packet of french fries crisps, a small tub of yoghurt, a ham and tomato omlette, a pint of lager and FIVE, yes FIVE Ben's chocolate chip cookies from Euston station (consumed on the train on the way up north where I am for work). I'm bloody disgusting. And of course because I don't feel well I'm thinking of eating more food to make mysef feel better. Dis-bloody-graceful. I have also bought a small packet of speckled chocolate eggs from marks which I can't quite bring myself to eat. I have a butternut squash salad as well which i may or may not have, just to round off the day. I am gross.
But its back to the regime tomorrow. Back to pointing and back to the gym (am staying at a hotel with a great gym so its a no-brainer). Back to feeling good about myself and feeling like my goal of a 2kg loss in the next 3 and a half weeks is achievable. I hope I haven't done too much damage over the last few days but I'll just have to wear the consequences if I do.
I mean things could have been a LOT worse. I am not lying on my hotel bed right now, feeling absolutely sick from eating cheesecake (usually a binge food of choice) and sweating with a huge distended belly. God have I been THERE before. This isn't even really a binge - if it was those speckled eggs would not be standing a chance. I looked over the room service menu and nothing really excites so that can't be a binge right??
Oh well, onwards and upwards. On the way up here on the train I read over Dietchick's archives from August - November 2002 and as usual I felt a real sense of comraderie with this girl I've never met who went through exactly I am going through (again) and as usual I was left feeling this real sense of resolve that I will get to target dammit. Even though Dietchick (somehow I feel weird using her actual name - like that's way too intimate and I'm not worthy) didn't quite make it to goal before she started on the way back up, her blog really does help me. She is so painfully honest, not sugar coating anything and telling the whole sordid diet business as it really is. And so fucking funny I was getting weird looks from the rest of the carriage as I was spluttering out cookie crumbs all down my front. If only they knew what I was reading at the time...
Right, well as usual Dietchick has inspired me to start really thinking about my yo-yo dieting over the years. I have lost and gained probably the same 20kg no less than 3 times and now I'm on my 4th attempt. I have never really thought too deeply about why I always regain the weight and I know that I need to really honestly think about that and deal with it if I'm to keep it off this time. So that's going to be my little project over the next few weeks. Really analyse each diet I went on, my motivations, my struggles, my feelings and see if i can't make sense of the whole damn mess.
Yesterday G and I went to a full day wine tasting and that was never going to end well. I could not tell you how much wine I had but it ended with a shared bowl of cheese fries and almost an entire sausage pizza. I woke up about 3 times during last night in a furious sweat from having so much salt and I couldn't rehydrate myself no matter how much water i drank.
Then today, sporting a headache and now a sniffly nose and raised glands, I had toast with low fat spread and marmite, a packet of french fries crisps, a small tub of yoghurt, a ham and tomato omlette, a pint of lager and FIVE, yes FIVE Ben's chocolate chip cookies from Euston station (consumed on the train on the way up north where I am for work). I'm bloody disgusting. And of course because I don't feel well I'm thinking of eating more food to make mysef feel better. Dis-bloody-graceful. I have also bought a small packet of speckled chocolate eggs from marks which I can't quite bring myself to eat. I have a butternut squash salad as well which i may or may not have, just to round off the day. I am gross.
But its back to the regime tomorrow. Back to pointing and back to the gym (am staying at a hotel with a great gym so its a no-brainer). Back to feeling good about myself and feeling like my goal of a 2kg loss in the next 3 and a half weeks is achievable. I hope I haven't done too much damage over the last few days but I'll just have to wear the consequences if I do.
I mean things could have been a LOT worse. I am not lying on my hotel bed right now, feeling absolutely sick from eating cheesecake (usually a binge food of choice) and sweating with a huge distended belly. God have I been THERE before. This isn't even really a binge - if it was those speckled eggs would not be standing a chance. I looked over the room service menu and nothing really excites so that can't be a binge right??
Oh well, onwards and upwards. On the way up here on the train I read over Dietchick's archives from August - November 2002 and as usual I felt a real sense of comraderie with this girl I've never met who went through exactly I am going through (again) and as usual I was left feeling this real sense of resolve that I will get to target dammit. Even though Dietchick (somehow I feel weird using her actual name - like that's way too intimate and I'm not worthy) didn't quite make it to goal before she started on the way back up, her blog really does help me. She is so painfully honest, not sugar coating anything and telling the whole sordid diet business as it really is. And so fucking funny I was getting weird looks from the rest of the carriage as I was spluttering out cookie crumbs all down my front. If only they knew what I was reading at the time...
Right, well as usual Dietchick has inspired me to start really thinking about my yo-yo dieting over the years. I have lost and gained probably the same 20kg no less than 3 times and now I'm on my 4th attempt. I have never really thought too deeply about why I always regain the weight and I know that I need to really honestly think about that and deal with it if I'm to keep it off this time. So that's going to be my little project over the next few weeks. Really analyse each diet I went on, my motivations, my struggles, my feelings and see if i can't make sense of the whole damn mess.
Friday 22 February 2008
It might be due to illness but it still counts, dammit
That was kind of funny. No sooner had I confessed to being a big giant lurker, but someone left a message for me! Wow, is that karma? Anyways Anonymous, nice to know you and yes, the wedding planning is going well, thanks.
Well after I posted last night I got a real hankering for beer. Something really cold and malty and carbonated so I had 3 glasses of leffe beer and let me tell you, I felt grrrreat! Clearly I was a little drunk but it took the edge right off and I was feeling really good. So I then had (in the interests of full disclosure) chorizo pasta with spicy tomato sauce, 2 small glasses of red wine and a weightwatchers chocolate mousse. So yesterday was not brilliant on the old diet but I figured one day wasn’t going to kill me and it made me feel better and if I have to wear the consequences on the scale next week then I can deal with that.
Cos I sure didn’t to deal with the consequences this morning, let me tell you. I weighed in at 67.9kg or 10 stone 9 and three quarters or 149.8 lb. Hell YEAH. So I’m putting that down to the 5 gym sessions I had last week and the fact that I didn’t really blow out yesterday so I wasn’t feeling super bloated (but that thing I have been waiting to arrive has arrived so I am feeling a little bit bloaty). Which means I’m feeling a little bit concerned about next week given that eating this week is not going to be brilliant what with my wine tasting and pizza eating tomorrow and my lack of gymming this week. Curses.
But I have to tell you, my clothes are feeling quite loose at the moment (note I did not say that I am feeling any thinner – it’s the clothes getting bigger not me getting smaller) and I had a mini wow moment in the bathroom at work today when I looked in the mirror and realised I kind of look like a tramp with really baggy pants (am wearing my petite size 16 Wallis pants that emphasise my gunt). So I’m feeling good about that because regardless of whether I lose another half a kg next week or not, I know those pants aren’t suddenly going to fit me again overnight. Then again I shouldn’t congratulate myself too much – they were a horrifying size 16 don’t forget -they fricking well SHOULD be way too big for me.
But I’m feeling like my 66kg mini goal is really within reach. And that STAGGERS me because I have NEVER EVER managed to make it to a scale goal within my goal time. For example, the last time I dieted was in 2006 and I had a goal to get to 65kg for a trip to Santorini at the end of August. I got to 67kg (and frankly I was lucky to get there). Then I had a goal to get to 60kg for Christmas. I changed that to 62kg then 63kg and rang in the new year at 65kg. I got to 64kg for my birthday last January and I felt so fantastic (in fact G thinks photos of me taken at my birthday are the best ones I have) and managed to get down to (I believe this to be true but I stopped weighing myself last February) 61kg or 62kg for my friend’s wedding where I was a bridesmaid which was in early March 2007. My goal had actually been to be 55kg (I wanted to finally reach THAT weight which I didn’t quite achieve in 2004 which was the diet before my last one where I ended up at 58.5kg) and I was 6 or 7kg over that.
So, I never quite make my goals and this time I am really psyched that I actually might achieve what I wanted to achieve. It would be a loss of nearly 7kg over 12 weeks which is not exactly unrealistic and somehow being 66kg just seems so LIGHT. My ultimate goal of 55kg seems so in REACH (God I must remember to read this when I hit 62kg and the scale won’t frigging BUDGE – I’ll be bewildered at my own naiveté). But its going to get harder to achieve scale goals after Boston because I will be doing more weight training so in my mind my goal is to be 60kg for NZ (a loss of 6kg (I hope) over 12 weeks) but what I really want is to be wearing my size 12 (or are they 11s?) James Jeans that I wore to NZ last February but felt a bit snug if I’m honest with myself, without the muffin top. And if I’m REALLY honest with myself, I’d like those jeans to be a little loose…
Well after I posted last night I got a real hankering for beer. Something really cold and malty and carbonated so I had 3 glasses of leffe beer and let me tell you, I felt grrrreat! Clearly I was a little drunk but it took the edge right off and I was feeling really good. So I then had (in the interests of full disclosure) chorizo pasta with spicy tomato sauce, 2 small glasses of red wine and a weightwatchers chocolate mousse. So yesterday was not brilliant on the old diet but I figured one day wasn’t going to kill me and it made me feel better and if I have to wear the consequences on the scale next week then I can deal with that.
Cos I sure didn’t to deal with the consequences this morning, let me tell you. I weighed in at 67.9kg or 10 stone 9 and three quarters or 149.8 lb. Hell YEAH. So I’m putting that down to the 5 gym sessions I had last week and the fact that I didn’t really blow out yesterday so I wasn’t feeling super bloated (but that thing I have been waiting to arrive has arrived so I am feeling a little bit bloaty). Which means I’m feeling a little bit concerned about next week given that eating this week is not going to be brilliant what with my wine tasting and pizza eating tomorrow and my lack of gymming this week. Curses.
But I have to tell you, my clothes are feeling quite loose at the moment (note I did not say that I am feeling any thinner – it’s the clothes getting bigger not me getting smaller) and I had a mini wow moment in the bathroom at work today when I looked in the mirror and realised I kind of look like a tramp with really baggy pants (am wearing my petite size 16 Wallis pants that emphasise my gunt). So I’m feeling good about that because regardless of whether I lose another half a kg next week or not, I know those pants aren’t suddenly going to fit me again overnight. Then again I shouldn’t congratulate myself too much – they were a horrifying size 16 don’t forget -they fricking well SHOULD be way too big for me.
But I’m feeling like my 66kg mini goal is really within reach. And that STAGGERS me because I have NEVER EVER managed to make it to a scale goal within my goal time. For example, the last time I dieted was in 2006 and I had a goal to get to 65kg for a trip to Santorini at the end of August. I got to 67kg (and frankly I was lucky to get there). Then I had a goal to get to 60kg for Christmas. I changed that to 62kg then 63kg and rang in the new year at 65kg. I got to 64kg for my birthday last January and I felt so fantastic (in fact G thinks photos of me taken at my birthday are the best ones I have) and managed to get down to (I believe this to be true but I stopped weighing myself last February) 61kg or 62kg for my friend’s wedding where I was a bridesmaid which was in early March 2007. My goal had actually been to be 55kg (I wanted to finally reach THAT weight which I didn’t quite achieve in 2004 which was the diet before my last one where I ended up at 58.5kg) and I was 6 or 7kg over that.
So, I never quite make my goals and this time I am really psyched that I actually might achieve what I wanted to achieve. It would be a loss of nearly 7kg over 12 weeks which is not exactly unrealistic and somehow being 66kg just seems so LIGHT. My ultimate goal of 55kg seems so in REACH (God I must remember to read this when I hit 62kg and the scale won’t frigging BUDGE – I’ll be bewildered at my own naiveté). But its going to get harder to achieve scale goals after Boston because I will be doing more weight training so in my mind my goal is to be 60kg for NZ (a loss of 6kg (I hope) over 12 weeks) but what I really want is to be wearing my size 12 (or are they 11s?) James Jeans that I wore to NZ last February but felt a bit snug if I’m honest with myself, without the muffin top. And if I’m REALLY honest with myself, I’d like those jeans to be a little loose…
Thursday 21 February 2008
Coming out of the closet
Right, I have a confession to make. I, WideBride, am a LURKER.
Weight loss blogs have been like crack to me since I got a laptop and internet access about 10 years ago. I first discovered such things exist when I used to go on the weightwatchers website in NZ and look at ‘success stories’ which linked also to online journals. And I got hooked. I can’t remember the journals I used to read but they were a great source of comfort and entertainment and I would spend whole days reading them, going through their archives, marvelling at their resolve and their selflessness in sharing what must have been sometimes very private and difficult stories and admissions with the whole world. Tellingly, I would only read them when I myself was dieting, so as not to make myself feel guilty.
And I still read them to this day. Journals have come and gone but I have decided to come out of the closet and finally give credit and thanks to two pretty special people. Now, as someone new to the blogging world I’m not too sure about acknowledgement etiquette so if anyone actually is reading this and I’m not doing it right, sincere apologies. I should also add, that I don’t mean to disrespect anyone or make anyone feel slighted by any sort of ‘ranking’ but at the same time I do want to really give a special acknowledgement to the undisputed weight blogging queens, Diet Girl and Diet Chick.
Diet Girl – www.dietgirl.org
Well, what can I say about Diet Girl that hasn’t already been said by everyone who reads weight loss blogs? Diet Girl is, and I don’t say this lightly, an absolute inspiration. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve shrieked, I’ve clapped my hands and stamped my feet. DG is awesome. So brave, courageous, hilarious and painfully honest. And she really does give me hope that one day I will leave all this yo-yoing business behind me and actually learn to like my body. DG, you rock.
Diet Chick – www.dietchick.blogspot.com and www.justnesting.blogspot.com
Dietchick recounts an incident that stays with me to this day. She was at home and feels the need to cheat on her diet. She opens up her fridge and takes all this food out, ready to binge her way through it. Then she looks at it, thinks about what it is she is trying to achieve and puts it all back. I often think of that and Diet Chick has helped me out of quite a number of similar incidents. Like this afternoon when I was at the supermarket and prowling around the cream cake fridge. Eventually, I thought ‘what would Diet Chick do?’ and backed away from the fridge, basket empty. Diet Chick is currently concentrating on conceiving and house flipping and weight loss is on the backburner at the moment but her honest writing and recounting of painful experiences in her current blog still inspire me to be honest in my own decisions. I really hope the American economy sorts its shit out soon because Diet Chick could really catch a break right now.
Weight loss blogs have been like crack to me since I got a laptop and internet access about 10 years ago. I first discovered such things exist when I used to go on the weightwatchers website in NZ and look at ‘success stories’ which linked also to online journals. And I got hooked. I can’t remember the journals I used to read but they were a great source of comfort and entertainment and I would spend whole days reading them, going through their archives, marvelling at their resolve and their selflessness in sharing what must have been sometimes very private and difficult stories and admissions with the whole world. Tellingly, I would only read them when I myself was dieting, so as not to make myself feel guilty.
And I still read them to this day. Journals have come and gone but I have decided to come out of the closet and finally give credit and thanks to two pretty special people. Now, as someone new to the blogging world I’m not too sure about acknowledgement etiquette so if anyone actually is reading this and I’m not doing it right, sincere apologies. I should also add, that I don’t mean to disrespect anyone or make anyone feel slighted by any sort of ‘ranking’ but at the same time I do want to really give a special acknowledgement to the undisputed weight blogging queens, Diet Girl and Diet Chick.
Diet Girl – www.dietgirl.org
Well, what can I say about Diet Girl that hasn’t already been said by everyone who reads weight loss blogs? Diet Girl is, and I don’t say this lightly, an absolute inspiration. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve shrieked, I’ve clapped my hands and stamped my feet. DG is awesome. So brave, courageous, hilarious and painfully honest. And she really does give me hope that one day I will leave all this yo-yoing business behind me and actually learn to like my body. DG, you rock.
Diet Chick – www.dietchick.blogspot.com and www.justnesting.blogspot.com
Dietchick recounts an incident that stays with me to this day. She was at home and feels the need to cheat on her diet. She opens up her fridge and takes all this food out, ready to binge her way through it. Then she looks at it, thinks about what it is she is trying to achieve and puts it all back. I often think of that and Diet Chick has helped me out of quite a number of similar incidents. Like this afternoon when I was at the supermarket and prowling around the cream cake fridge. Eventually, I thought ‘what would Diet Chick do?’ and backed away from the fridge, basket empty. Diet Chick is currently concentrating on conceiving and house flipping and weight loss is on the backburner at the moment but her honest writing and recounting of painful experiences in her current blog still inspire me to be honest in my own decisions. I really hope the American economy sorts its shit out soon because Diet Chick could really catch a break right now.
Sick, and not in a good way
Well annoyingly, I have picked up the stomach bug which DOESN’T make you spew and lose like 3kg overnight. Annoying.
I went out with my friend E on Tuesday night and we had a great catch up. We haven’t seen each other since before Xmas and it was really nice to swap gossip. E is probably my best and oldest English friend. We met at my very first job in London and bonded over our mutual hatred of the place. And nachos and wine. We went on a few European trips together when we were both single gals but not so much since we’ve been in serious relationships.
Anyway, E has always struggled with her weight the same as me but the difference is she is looking FABULOUS and I’m still struggling. Cow. But I love her and she has her own problems and I least I can diet. She did say that I had lost weight, especially around my face. And I did feel quite slim as I was wearing my black Zara suit trousers and a pale blue slinky cardigan (also Zara) with a white cotton singlet underneath.
We went out for Turkish on Tuesday night and I tried to eat as well as I could. We shared a starter of dip and bread (the dip had lots of nuts in it but was tomato based) and then I had grilled aubergine and veges on couscous. We also started off with 2 small (175ml) glasses of wine and then shared a bottle over dinner. I felt a bit squiffy when we left the restaurant but nothing more than the usual.
So I was quite surprised when I woke up on Wednesday morning feeling like complete hell. I was really dehydrated and had a massive headache and a funny feeling tummy. I just assumed I had a mild hangover. But I had my shower and went to dry my hair and my legs felt all wobbly and I felt quick nauseous. So I decided I’d stay home for the morning and try to go in during the afternoon. I had a sleep and woke up feeling SICK I was so hungry. So I had toast and marmite and just sat around the house feeling weird. I was hungry but if I ate anything I was getting stabbing pains in my stomach. Really weird. And I had diarrhoea
So yesterday I wasn’t pointing but I hardly had my nose in the trough either. I had tomato and red pepper soup for dinner. Today has been much the same. I had to go in to work this morning to deal with some urgent stuff but I came home around lunch time and have been here ever since, feeling sorry for myself. I had toast with low fat spread for lunch and have had 2 packets of French Fries crisps and some chocolate since. So I guess you could say I’m feeling better....
I haven’t been taking the water retention tablets yesterday and today but I’m not feeling too bloaty and disgusting. I weighed in at 68kg this morning which if I can maintain that for tomorrow (chocolates notwithstanding, ahem) will mean a 500g or 1.1lb loss for the week. Not bad all things considered. We have a busy weekend this weekend with a full day wine tasting on Saturday and then no doubt a fattening pizza for dinner on Saturday night to soak up the alcohol. Then on Sunday I’m on the train up North and I’ll be up there until next Wednesday. But planning to go to the gym on Monday and Tuesday nights and living off marks and sparks salads so I’ll be keeping to my diet. My goal of a 2kg loss in 4 weeks is in my sights!
Wedding-wise nothing to report. I’m currently watching old taped episodes of ‘Perfect Days’ off the wedding channel and I’m dead jealous of the current couple who seem to have had an unlimited budget and Vera Wang personally designed her wedding dress and coat. Now that I feel like I have lost a bit of weight and I’m not so horrified by my size, I’m starting to get REALLY excited about the dress shopping. And really nervous. Because right now in my head, I have the perfect dress that I love and adore (I couldn’t describe it, it’s not like I KNOW the dress yet but while its still in the abstract, it is of course perfect) but what if the one I end up having is not perfect or not timeless or not classic?? It’s really nerve-wracking. But really exciting and I kind of hope I don’t find ‘the one’ immediately so I can go around lots of shops and try lots of different dresses to ‘get my money’s worth’ as it were.
I went out with my friend E on Tuesday night and we had a great catch up. We haven’t seen each other since before Xmas and it was really nice to swap gossip. E is probably my best and oldest English friend. We met at my very first job in London and bonded over our mutual hatred of the place. And nachos and wine. We went on a few European trips together when we were both single gals but not so much since we’ve been in serious relationships.
Anyway, E has always struggled with her weight the same as me but the difference is she is looking FABULOUS and I’m still struggling. Cow. But I love her and she has her own problems and I least I can diet. She did say that I had lost weight, especially around my face. And I did feel quite slim as I was wearing my black Zara suit trousers and a pale blue slinky cardigan (also Zara) with a white cotton singlet underneath.
We went out for Turkish on Tuesday night and I tried to eat as well as I could. We shared a starter of dip and bread (the dip had lots of nuts in it but was tomato based) and then I had grilled aubergine and veges on couscous. We also started off with 2 small (175ml) glasses of wine and then shared a bottle over dinner. I felt a bit squiffy when we left the restaurant but nothing more than the usual.
So I was quite surprised when I woke up on Wednesday morning feeling like complete hell. I was really dehydrated and had a massive headache and a funny feeling tummy. I just assumed I had a mild hangover. But I had my shower and went to dry my hair and my legs felt all wobbly and I felt quick nauseous. So I decided I’d stay home for the morning and try to go in during the afternoon. I had a sleep and woke up feeling SICK I was so hungry. So I had toast and marmite and just sat around the house feeling weird. I was hungry but if I ate anything I was getting stabbing pains in my stomach. Really weird. And I had diarrhoea
So yesterday I wasn’t pointing but I hardly had my nose in the trough either. I had tomato and red pepper soup for dinner. Today has been much the same. I had to go in to work this morning to deal with some urgent stuff but I came home around lunch time and have been here ever since, feeling sorry for myself. I had toast with low fat spread for lunch and have had 2 packets of French Fries crisps and some chocolate since. So I guess you could say I’m feeling better....
I haven’t been taking the water retention tablets yesterday and today but I’m not feeling too bloaty and disgusting. I weighed in at 68kg this morning which if I can maintain that for tomorrow (chocolates notwithstanding, ahem) will mean a 500g or 1.1lb loss for the week. Not bad all things considered. We have a busy weekend this weekend with a full day wine tasting on Saturday and then no doubt a fattening pizza for dinner on Saturday night to soak up the alcohol. Then on Sunday I’m on the train up North and I’ll be up there until next Wednesday. But planning to go to the gym on Monday and Tuesday nights and living off marks and sparks salads so I’ll be keeping to my diet. My goal of a 2kg loss in 4 weeks is in my sights!
Wedding-wise nothing to report. I’m currently watching old taped episodes of ‘Perfect Days’ off the wedding channel and I’m dead jealous of the current couple who seem to have had an unlimited budget and Vera Wang personally designed her wedding dress and coat. Now that I feel like I have lost a bit of weight and I’m not so horrified by my size, I’m starting to get REALLY excited about the dress shopping. And really nervous. Because right now in my head, I have the perfect dress that I love and adore (I couldn’t describe it, it’s not like I KNOW the dress yet but while its still in the abstract, it is of course perfect) but what if the one I end up having is not perfect or not timeless or not classic?? It’s really nerve-wracking. But really exciting and I kind of hope I don’t find ‘the one’ immediately so I can go around lots of shops and try lots of different dresses to ‘get my money’s worth’ as it were.
Monday 18 February 2008
Only 4 Mondays to go til Boston....
Apologies for the snarly post yesterday but I was cold and didn’t feel like going out and the PMT has arrived, alive and kicking. I am taking fluid retention tablets to try and minimise the bloat so I hope that doesn’t give me false readings on the scale.
Last night turned out to be quite good fun really. We braved the arctic chills and went up to North London where these friends have the most BEAUTIFUL house. They moved in in August last year and it just looks perfect. There are 4 stories, 5 bedrooms ALL ENSUITE and it all looks new and stylish and just beautiful. G and I are very jealous and feel very inadequate, especially when we got home, tripping over boxes of dusty books that have been lying around in every room since G moved in there in 2004. God how depressing.
Anyway, these friends, T and J got engaged 2 weeks ago which is exciting news. He’s English and she’s Australian and the plan seems to be that the actual marriage will take place in Sydney where she is from and then they’ll have some sort of party over here afterwards. They are planning to get married this year but haven’t sorted out a date or anything yet. Now, you might be blamed for thinking that they haven’t thought about things too deeply because they’re only just engaged, and they’re just loving the ‘being engaged’ time before the planning nightmare starts.
Not so.
She is about as unenthusiastic about the whole wedding thing as it is possible to be, and he just doesn’t want to do the planning. On balance, he is probably more excited than she is but its close. He proposed to her in Paris with a tiny little diamond ring as a ‘holding ring’ until they go out and choose the proper one. She doesn’t even WANT a ring on the basis that she doesn’t even want to wear it and if she does it won’t be on her ring finger. He is horrified at the prospect of people thinking THAT is the ring he bought her and is insistent that she gets a proper one but she is really not fussed.
Now, I know not everyone is wedding obsessed (even I’m not wedding obsessed REALLY) but I just can’t understand a person’s attitude that they are SO underwhelmed by being engaged and getting married. I mean, why BOTHER?? And before you go thinking that maybe marriage just isn’t her bag and she doesn’t actually WANT to get married, she has been waiting for this for quite some time. I don’t know her particularly well and we’ve never discussed it but from what she was saying last night, G and I both agreed that it sounded like she had been wondering if he would ever actually propose (they have been together maybe 3 and a half years). So I think she DOES want to be married she just doesn’t want to have a wedding, an engagement ring or a wedding ring.
Well, that’s fine I guess, horses for courses. But why not just have a registry office do and why bother celebrating it at all? It sounds like they will have a registry office do in Australia and then some sort of ‘marquee out the back of a pub’ (her words) over here. Am not quite sure what that means for us in terms of having to go to Australia this year (I won’t lie, that’s the FIRST THING I though of when they told us we were engaged – ‘oh CRAP we have to go to Australia in like 6 months and we don’t have the time off or the money but we CAN’T NOT GO because we’re asking them to come to ours’). But G said on the way home that he wondered whether they were really going to invite friends to the Australian thing as they seemed to be down-playing it quite a bit but talking up the ‘marquee behind a pub’.
The other thing that I thought was quite weird, was how awfully opinionated J was about brides and wedding planning (considering she was talking to a fellow bride to be who was planning a wedding). Like she was all ‘I can’t BELIEVE there are women out there who will go on DIETS for their wedding’ (and for the record she is probably average sized, 12-14 or so). I just sort of sat there and smiled without saying anything, not wanting to get in to a debate about why I felt I HAD to lose weight for my wedding. And she talked about how they weren’t going to bother really having a photographer or finding a caterer for the reception (‘someone will have a camera’ and ‘as long as everyone gets fed…’).
So it was just WEIRD. I mean, people have very different approaches to weddings I know, but that is a little beyond the pale. We talked about wedding dresses and she said she couldn’t’ really be bothered having a special dress but she ‘guessed she’d have to’ and how she would get married in jeans if she could. I guess I just feel sort of sorry for her, not having any joy at the idea of having a wedding. I’m sure she must be happy that they are getting married, but she is missing out on so much by not fully embracing the excitement that is having a wedding. I’m sure thousands would disagree, but I am having a BALL planning my wedding, getting excited about the day, working hard to really look the best I hope ever to look in my whole life. I actually AM having fun. And for J (and T), a wedding is just an ordeal to go through. That’s kind of sad.
So am off to the gym tonight for another 60 minute work out. I have downloaded 2 new albums to my ipod so I’ve got some new music to work out to (am really excited about this, I have been getting really fed up with the albums I have) and I’m going to have soup for dinner as G is probably going to be working late again. I didn’t weigh myself today as I felt very bloaty from the dinner I had last night (involved 2 glasses of champagne, 2 glasses of red wine and 2 glasses of dessert wine) so I figured I didn’t need to see it. I had a healthy-ish dinner though – chargrilled squid for starters and steamed mussels for mains (ok, ok with half a small bowl of hot chips which were DELECTABLE and did you hear me – HALF a SMALL bowl?). So I need to eat well tonight.
A pretty busy week this week. I’m meeting up with my friend E tomorrow night for drinks and dinner. E is also dieting but doesn’t need to, lucky cow. She has lost a lot of weight in the time I’ve known her but has somehow managed to keep it all off, give or take half a stone. Then I’ll go to the gym Wed, Thurs and Fri. Then on Saturday G and I are going to an all-day wine tasting event which will be good. We are going with friends T and C (from the nightmare that was New Year’s Eve, so lets hope they’re actually DRINKING this time) and then we’ll probably go out afterwards for a big lard-ridden pizza to soak up all the alcohol – even more fun than the wine tasting itself!
On Sunday afternoon I have to go up north again for work so I’ll be there until next Wednesday night. So that’s 3 nights of marks and spencers salads and the hotel gym for me!
It’s now 4 and a half weeks until Boston and I have 2.5kg to lose.
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Later - the gym kicked my arse again. Did it though, the full 60 minutes.
Last night turned out to be quite good fun really. We braved the arctic chills and went up to North London where these friends have the most BEAUTIFUL house. They moved in in August last year and it just looks perfect. There are 4 stories, 5 bedrooms ALL ENSUITE and it all looks new and stylish and just beautiful. G and I are very jealous and feel very inadequate, especially when we got home, tripping over boxes of dusty books that have been lying around in every room since G moved in there in 2004. God how depressing.
Anyway, these friends, T and J got engaged 2 weeks ago which is exciting news. He’s English and she’s Australian and the plan seems to be that the actual marriage will take place in Sydney where she is from and then they’ll have some sort of party over here afterwards. They are planning to get married this year but haven’t sorted out a date or anything yet. Now, you might be blamed for thinking that they haven’t thought about things too deeply because they’re only just engaged, and they’re just loving the ‘being engaged’ time before the planning nightmare starts.
Not so.
She is about as unenthusiastic about the whole wedding thing as it is possible to be, and he just doesn’t want to do the planning. On balance, he is probably more excited than she is but its close. He proposed to her in Paris with a tiny little diamond ring as a ‘holding ring’ until they go out and choose the proper one. She doesn’t even WANT a ring on the basis that she doesn’t even want to wear it and if she does it won’t be on her ring finger. He is horrified at the prospect of people thinking THAT is the ring he bought her and is insistent that she gets a proper one but she is really not fussed.
Now, I know not everyone is wedding obsessed (even I’m not wedding obsessed REALLY) but I just can’t understand a person’s attitude that they are SO underwhelmed by being engaged and getting married. I mean, why BOTHER?? And before you go thinking that maybe marriage just isn’t her bag and she doesn’t actually WANT to get married, she has been waiting for this for quite some time. I don’t know her particularly well and we’ve never discussed it but from what she was saying last night, G and I both agreed that it sounded like she had been wondering if he would ever actually propose (they have been together maybe 3 and a half years). So I think she DOES want to be married she just doesn’t want to have a wedding, an engagement ring or a wedding ring.
Well, that’s fine I guess, horses for courses. But why not just have a registry office do and why bother celebrating it at all? It sounds like they will have a registry office do in Australia and then some sort of ‘marquee out the back of a pub’ (her words) over here. Am not quite sure what that means for us in terms of having to go to Australia this year (I won’t lie, that’s the FIRST THING I though of when they told us we were engaged – ‘oh CRAP we have to go to Australia in like 6 months and we don’t have the time off or the money but we CAN’T NOT GO because we’re asking them to come to ours’). But G said on the way home that he wondered whether they were really going to invite friends to the Australian thing as they seemed to be down-playing it quite a bit but talking up the ‘marquee behind a pub’.
The other thing that I thought was quite weird, was how awfully opinionated J was about brides and wedding planning (considering she was talking to a fellow bride to be who was planning a wedding). Like she was all ‘I can’t BELIEVE there are women out there who will go on DIETS for their wedding’ (and for the record she is probably average sized, 12-14 or so). I just sort of sat there and smiled without saying anything, not wanting to get in to a debate about why I felt I HAD to lose weight for my wedding. And she talked about how they weren’t going to bother really having a photographer or finding a caterer for the reception (‘someone will have a camera’ and ‘as long as everyone gets fed…’).
So it was just WEIRD. I mean, people have very different approaches to weddings I know, but that is a little beyond the pale. We talked about wedding dresses and she said she couldn’t’ really be bothered having a special dress but she ‘guessed she’d have to’ and how she would get married in jeans if she could. I guess I just feel sort of sorry for her, not having any joy at the idea of having a wedding. I’m sure she must be happy that they are getting married, but she is missing out on so much by not fully embracing the excitement that is having a wedding. I’m sure thousands would disagree, but I am having a BALL planning my wedding, getting excited about the day, working hard to really look the best I hope ever to look in my whole life. I actually AM having fun. And for J (and T), a wedding is just an ordeal to go through. That’s kind of sad.
So am off to the gym tonight for another 60 minute work out. I have downloaded 2 new albums to my ipod so I’ve got some new music to work out to (am really excited about this, I have been getting really fed up with the albums I have) and I’m going to have soup for dinner as G is probably going to be working late again. I didn’t weigh myself today as I felt very bloaty from the dinner I had last night (involved 2 glasses of champagne, 2 glasses of red wine and 2 glasses of dessert wine) so I figured I didn’t need to see it. I had a healthy-ish dinner though – chargrilled squid for starters and steamed mussels for mains (ok, ok with half a small bowl of hot chips which were DELECTABLE and did you hear me – HALF a SMALL bowl?). So I need to eat well tonight.
A pretty busy week this week. I’m meeting up with my friend E tomorrow night for drinks and dinner. E is also dieting but doesn’t need to, lucky cow. She has lost a lot of weight in the time I’ve known her but has somehow managed to keep it all off, give or take half a stone. Then I’ll go to the gym Wed, Thurs and Fri. Then on Saturday G and I are going to an all-day wine tasting event which will be good. We are going with friends T and C (from the nightmare that was New Year’s Eve, so lets hope they’re actually DRINKING this time) and then we’ll probably go out afterwards for a big lard-ridden pizza to soak up all the alcohol – even more fun than the wine tasting itself!
On Sunday afternoon I have to go up north again for work so I’ll be there until next Wednesday night. So that’s 3 nights of marks and spencers salads and the hotel gym for me!
It’s now 4 and a half weeks until Boston and I have 2.5kg to lose.
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Later - the gym kicked my arse again. Did it though, the full 60 minutes.
Sunday 17 February 2008
Just a quick update before I head off to the other side of London to go to dinner to G's groomsman's house. Turns out when we were invited to go around to their new place for dinner we were in fact invited to travel to the other side of London to go out to dinner at a restaurant. Yup. Not only are we schlepping our arses to the other side of London on a fricking cold SUNDAY night, but we're going to pay for ourselves to go out for dinner. Brilliant. Is is just me or does that kind of suck? I mean, why not just suggest we go out to a restaurant somewhere more central so its not such a big ordeal for us? fuckers. Wow hello there Ms PMT.
So Friday night got cancelled at the last minute because G had to work late. So I went out for drinks with V and then came home and had crudites and salsa for dinner. Very low points. Saturday i got up and went to the gym for a kickin' session then G and I walked to Canary Wharf for some beer drinkin' and paper readin'. Then I cooked what has to have been the GREATEST curry in world history. Oh my GOD, brilliant. Is a WW recipe and will be repeated in future for sure.
Today I got up and (cue trumpets sounding) WENT TO THE GYM. YES, for the 5th time this week I went to the gym. It was a bit of a blah workout, only 50 minutes with no run, but it was the 5th time nonetheless.
Which is lucky because now I get to travel to North fucking London and pay for a calorie ridden dinner. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
So Friday night got cancelled at the last minute because G had to work late. So I went out for drinks with V and then came home and had crudites and salsa for dinner. Very low points. Saturday i got up and went to the gym for a kickin' session then G and I walked to Canary Wharf for some beer drinkin' and paper readin'. Then I cooked what has to have been the GREATEST curry in world history. Oh my GOD, brilliant. Is a WW recipe and will be repeated in future for sure.
Today I got up and (cue trumpets sounding) WENT TO THE GYM. YES, for the 5th time this week I went to the gym. It was a bit of a blah workout, only 50 minutes with no run, but it was the 5th time nonetheless.
Which is lucky because now I get to travel to North fucking London and pay for a calorie ridden dinner. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
Saturday 16 February 2008
Friday's post...
So the weigh in today was pleasing. 68.5kg. That’s 10 stone 11 or 151lb. I’m nearly out of the 150s. Also, when I was getting dressed for work this morning I was thinking about just trying on my size 14 Zara suit pants – the ones that were too tight to wear the last time I went away for work but I was hoping to be able to wear when I’m away the week after next. I decided, no, don’t try them on until the official trying on session which is going to be next weekend. So I put on my usual size 14 Monsoon trousers and nearly fell over. They looked like hammer pants (can’t touch this). They were huge. And I’d only worn them the day before and I was SURE they didn’t look like that. What the?
So I figured well I’d better try my black Zara pants on because I couldn’t wear those. So I did and while there is slight pulling along the backside-down-in-to-the-crotch area, they fit!! They are wearable! They are in fact being worn as we speak! YAY. Haven’t worn these pants since last November (the 24th in fact) so I’m pleased to be making a little headway. And it means I can finally wear a suit again rather than my suit jackets and clearly non matching trousers. I might look semi-professional!!
So I got to thinking as I was walking to work (wow that was almost a Carrie Bradshaw moment there) – where the hell did that weight go? Cos it was ON me the day before. Its like the Bermuda Triangle of weight (only my weight always comes back, dammit). I know that with me I experience big differences in size between different weights. For example, the period between now (68.5) and Boston (oh please god, 66) is going to be HUGE. I will be fitting stuff I haven’t fitted for ages and it will only be a difference of 2.5kg. Then between 63 and 60 is another big change – at 60 I suddenly feel almost slim. I can only imagine the difference between 60 and my ultimate goal of 55. I will feel waif-like and delicate. And its always only a matter of 2 or 3 kg that makes this difference and it suddenly creeps up on you and you stand in front of the mirror wearing something and go (as I did this morning) WOAH! It’s what I call the ‘woah’ moment when you suddenly see in practical terms, the fruits of your hard labour. I live for woah moments.
So last night I coped well with Valentines Day. I finished the working day on 7 pts (and wasn’t even hungry even though I usually have like 9-10 points during the day) and prepared carrot sticks, celery sticks and sliced red pepper with low fat hummus, tzaziki and salsa for something to nibble on while we had champagne. Then I made honey and mustard glazed chicken on rice with vegetables which we had with a lovely Burgundy. I had also bought weight watchers chocolate mousse for pudding and low fat cheese and crackers and plum chutney but we ended up eating quite late so weren’t actually hungry and didn’t have them. So I finished the whole day on 17.5pts and that is being quite generous. So I’m pleased with that effort. I still have 12.5 points saved for the other 2 social occasions we have this week – going out for dinner tonight with a friend and around to another friend’s place for dinner on Sunday night. I can cope with tonight as I can choose what I eat but eating at someone else’s place is a bit more tricky. Hope its semi healthy. But I’ll go to the gym Saturday and Sunday to minimise the damage.
So I figured well I’d better try my black Zara pants on because I couldn’t wear those. So I did and while there is slight pulling along the backside-down-in-to-the-crotch area, they fit!! They are wearable! They are in fact being worn as we speak! YAY. Haven’t worn these pants since last November (the 24th in fact) so I’m pleased to be making a little headway. And it means I can finally wear a suit again rather than my suit jackets and clearly non matching trousers. I might look semi-professional!!
So I got to thinking as I was walking to work (wow that was almost a Carrie Bradshaw moment there) – where the hell did that weight go? Cos it was ON me the day before. Its like the Bermuda Triangle of weight (only my weight always comes back, dammit). I know that with me I experience big differences in size between different weights. For example, the period between now (68.5) and Boston (oh please god, 66) is going to be HUGE. I will be fitting stuff I haven’t fitted for ages and it will only be a difference of 2.5kg. Then between 63 and 60 is another big change – at 60 I suddenly feel almost slim. I can only imagine the difference between 60 and my ultimate goal of 55. I will feel waif-like and delicate. And its always only a matter of 2 or 3 kg that makes this difference and it suddenly creeps up on you and you stand in front of the mirror wearing something and go (as I did this morning) WOAH! It’s what I call the ‘woah’ moment when you suddenly see in practical terms, the fruits of your hard labour. I live for woah moments.
So last night I coped well with Valentines Day. I finished the working day on 7 pts (and wasn’t even hungry even though I usually have like 9-10 points during the day) and prepared carrot sticks, celery sticks and sliced red pepper with low fat hummus, tzaziki and salsa for something to nibble on while we had champagne. Then I made honey and mustard glazed chicken on rice with vegetables which we had with a lovely Burgundy. I had also bought weight watchers chocolate mousse for pudding and low fat cheese and crackers and plum chutney but we ended up eating quite late so weren’t actually hungry and didn’t have them. So I finished the whole day on 17.5pts and that is being quite generous. So I’m pleased with that effort. I still have 12.5 points saved for the other 2 social occasions we have this week – going out for dinner tonight with a friend and around to another friend’s place for dinner on Sunday night. I can cope with tonight as I can choose what I eat but eating at someone else’s place is a bit more tricky. Hope its semi healthy. But I’ll go to the gym Saturday and Sunday to minimise the damage.
Thursday 14 February 2008
Kicking arse
So its been a good week weight-wise. Official results in tomorrow of course but I have been blessed with some very welcome numbers on the scale this week. On Monday I weighed in at 68.9. My initial response when I glanced down was ‘oh for GOD’S sake I can’t believe I’m back up to 69.9. FRIG’. Then I realised it was in fact 68.9 and if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was Monday morning and one can NEVER jig on a Monday morning, I would have jigged. Tuesday saw an even better result – 68.7. Wednesday I nearly FAINTED when I saw 68.4. 68.4!! That is a 1.3kg loss! Unprecedented loss in any other that the first diet week. I hugged that little nugget to myself ALL day and felt like I was finally getting somewhere. It meant only 2.5kg to go in 5 weeks to hit my 66kg target for Boston. It was in my reach!
Of course I was cruising for a bruising and sure enough it came this morning in the form of 68.7kg. But I have talked sternly to myself and reasoned that had I not known about yesterday’s weight, that’s still a 1kg loss for the week and NOTHING to be sneezed at. So Widebride is a happy dieter. I just hope the general downward trend prevails tomorrow. I would love to enter a 1.3kg loss on my online WW thingee and see the little message that comes up warning that losing too much weight too quickly is bad for you (or whatever crock of crap that it peddles). Then see a big dip in my weight loss graph. So, scale gods if you are listening I implore you!! And next week is water retention week so I kind of need something to get me through that.
Exercise has been weird this week. I went to the gym on Sunday and did an hour’s work out including a ten minute run. It felt FABULOUS to be running again and while I knew I was working hard, it was a GOOD workout, if you know what I mean. I felt really good throughout the workout. Cut to Monday and OH DEAR GOD. Someone had clearly put cement in my shoes because the run was AGONY. I did the same as the day before which was 5 minutes at speed 9.0, 4 minutes at 9.5 and 1 minute at 10.0 and I nearly died. I couldn’t do the full 60 minutes either, managing only 45 minutes – I didn’t do the last 15 minutes on the cross trainer. I just couldn’t.
So on Tuesday I was DREADING the gym and DREADING the run. It was slightly better but the run did kill me. I managed the full 60 minutes though. Last night’s session was probably the easiest of them all which is weird because usually towards the end of the week it gets harder as I get more tired. So I managed the full 60 minutes and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I’m almost looking forward to doing some resistance work when I eventually get signed up with my personal trainer (April).
Today is Valentine’s Day and G and I are going to eat at home this year. Normally we go out somewhere real nice (last year it was Smiths of Smithfields) but we decided this year to save in to save calories and money. I am cooking (honey mustard chicken on rice) and G has got some nice wine for us to enjoy (god I can’t WAIT for a drink). Slight snag in that G may have to work late tonight due to some big work thing he has on – grrrrrrr. But either way I don’t have to go to the gym for which my knees thank me.
Tomorrow night we are going out with friends for dinner. We haven’t seen them in ages and the guy half of the couple is hopefully going to be G’s best man. I have made G set the dinner up because he STILL hasn’t asked him to be best man and we want to make sure he is actually coming to NZ for the wedding and won’t pull out!
I am SO ready for the weekend too. Not sure what we really have on, but house tidying is going to have to feature sadly. I am aiming to go to the gym both days which will mean 5 times in total this week. Am hoping that will really make a difference for the next 5 weeks and ensure I reach my target (5 weeks today – eeeeeeeeee!) – going 5 times a week regularly I mean, not just 5 times this week. On Sunday night we are going around to the other groomsman’s house for dinner so once again I will be slightly out of my comfort zone in terms of choosing what I want to eat. Hopefully they’ll cook something reasonably healthy and being a Sunday we can’t get TOO stuck in to the wine.
I have been thinking about possible reasons for such a good loss this week (there, have I jinxed tomorrow’s weigh in enough already?) and wonder if it is to do with the fact that since Sunday night, I haven’t had any real starchy carbs with dinner. Sunday night was soup and mini bruschettas, Monday night was chicken in spicy tomato sauce, Tuesday night was poached haddock and last night was soup and mini bruschettas again (I’m on a real soup thing at the moment). Is that why suddenly I am showing losses on the scale? Like its not REAL weight loss in terms of bulk from my body, its just my body is lighter because I’m not retaining as much water (I’m not sure if this is scientifically correct or not so don’t quote me, but I think of starchy carbs like rice, pasta and bread as ‘sponges’ which soak up the water and therefore it weighs more heavily in my stomach. Protein like chicken and fish don’t soak up liquid so I don’t weigh as much). Or is it because I have been drinking at least 2 litres of water a day all week and that is somehow making me pee out my weight…? Or maybe its just that I am having one of those weeks.
This whole weight loss thing (and I know this from so many personal experiences) is just a mystery. There is no rhyme or reason when you look at small statistics, no matter how comforting they may be. I could eat the same thing and do the same exercise week in week out and sometimes I’ll lose, sometimes I’ll gain and sometimes I’ll stay the same. But as long as I keep plugging away, I will lose weight. Its all about the big picture. Which means I can only look at weight loss over a longer term. Like as of today I’ve lost 4.1kg (9lb) over 6 weeks. Now that’s an average of more than half a kilo every week and that takes into account having a period, my birthday and having a gain. And that’s still about what I expected to lose by now, if not slightly more. So there is no point analysing stuff to death. What I am doing IS working. I’d be mad to change it.
Right, wedding wise. Am pleased to report the dvd arrived of the wedding our videographer did in December. I started off feeling a little horrified as I watched it, as some bits such as the bride and her bridesmaid hanging out at the house in the morning just chatting and stuff looked so FORCED. They looked SO self conscious and uncomfortable and I was all thinking ‘oh god this guy is RUBBISH’. Then I realised that it probably wasn’t HIM as much as the people he was filming who were just getting used to having the camera there. And I will have two bridesmaids, not just one so we aren’t just going to sit around trying to think of things to say to each other – especially as one bridesmaid is a self-described wanton exhibitionist. In fact I will probably have trouble getting MYSELF on camera at ALL. And we’ll have the hair and makeup ladies there and stuff. So it will be more lively and fun and we will be drinking and stuff and just generally being excited. I hope. So I think we’ll go with this guy. It helps he’s the only one still available.
The other slightly funny thing about the video is that this couple had DJ Dick as their wedding dj. And he does sound like a complete game show host. Eeeeeeek.
Of course I was cruising for a bruising and sure enough it came this morning in the form of 68.7kg. But I have talked sternly to myself and reasoned that had I not known about yesterday’s weight, that’s still a 1kg loss for the week and NOTHING to be sneezed at. So Widebride is a happy dieter. I just hope the general downward trend prevails tomorrow. I would love to enter a 1.3kg loss on my online WW thingee and see the little message that comes up warning that losing too much weight too quickly is bad for you (or whatever crock of crap that it peddles). Then see a big dip in my weight loss graph. So, scale gods if you are listening I implore you!! And next week is water retention week so I kind of need something to get me through that.
Exercise has been weird this week. I went to the gym on Sunday and did an hour’s work out including a ten minute run. It felt FABULOUS to be running again and while I knew I was working hard, it was a GOOD workout, if you know what I mean. I felt really good throughout the workout. Cut to Monday and OH DEAR GOD. Someone had clearly put cement in my shoes because the run was AGONY. I did the same as the day before which was 5 minutes at speed 9.0, 4 minutes at 9.5 and 1 minute at 10.0 and I nearly died. I couldn’t do the full 60 minutes either, managing only 45 minutes – I didn’t do the last 15 minutes on the cross trainer. I just couldn’t.
So on Tuesday I was DREADING the gym and DREADING the run. It was slightly better but the run did kill me. I managed the full 60 minutes though. Last night’s session was probably the easiest of them all which is weird because usually towards the end of the week it gets harder as I get more tired. So I managed the full 60 minutes and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I’m almost looking forward to doing some resistance work when I eventually get signed up with my personal trainer (April).
Today is Valentine’s Day and G and I are going to eat at home this year. Normally we go out somewhere real nice (last year it was Smiths of Smithfields) but we decided this year to save in to save calories and money. I am cooking (honey mustard chicken on rice) and G has got some nice wine for us to enjoy (god I can’t WAIT for a drink). Slight snag in that G may have to work late tonight due to some big work thing he has on – grrrrrrr. But either way I don’t have to go to the gym for which my knees thank me.
Tomorrow night we are going out with friends for dinner. We haven’t seen them in ages and the guy half of the couple is hopefully going to be G’s best man. I have made G set the dinner up because he STILL hasn’t asked him to be best man and we want to make sure he is actually coming to NZ for the wedding and won’t pull out!
I am SO ready for the weekend too. Not sure what we really have on, but house tidying is going to have to feature sadly. I am aiming to go to the gym both days which will mean 5 times in total this week. Am hoping that will really make a difference for the next 5 weeks and ensure I reach my target (5 weeks today – eeeeeeeeee!) – going 5 times a week regularly I mean, not just 5 times this week. On Sunday night we are going around to the other groomsman’s house for dinner so once again I will be slightly out of my comfort zone in terms of choosing what I want to eat. Hopefully they’ll cook something reasonably healthy and being a Sunday we can’t get TOO stuck in to the wine.
I have been thinking about possible reasons for such a good loss this week (there, have I jinxed tomorrow’s weigh in enough already?) and wonder if it is to do with the fact that since Sunday night, I haven’t had any real starchy carbs with dinner. Sunday night was soup and mini bruschettas, Monday night was chicken in spicy tomato sauce, Tuesday night was poached haddock and last night was soup and mini bruschettas again (I’m on a real soup thing at the moment). Is that why suddenly I am showing losses on the scale? Like its not REAL weight loss in terms of bulk from my body, its just my body is lighter because I’m not retaining as much water (I’m not sure if this is scientifically correct or not so don’t quote me, but I think of starchy carbs like rice, pasta and bread as ‘sponges’ which soak up the water and therefore it weighs more heavily in my stomach. Protein like chicken and fish don’t soak up liquid so I don’t weigh as much). Or is it because I have been drinking at least 2 litres of water a day all week and that is somehow making me pee out my weight…? Or maybe its just that I am having one of those weeks.
This whole weight loss thing (and I know this from so many personal experiences) is just a mystery. There is no rhyme or reason when you look at small statistics, no matter how comforting they may be. I could eat the same thing and do the same exercise week in week out and sometimes I’ll lose, sometimes I’ll gain and sometimes I’ll stay the same. But as long as I keep plugging away, I will lose weight. Its all about the big picture. Which means I can only look at weight loss over a longer term. Like as of today I’ve lost 4.1kg (9lb) over 6 weeks. Now that’s an average of more than half a kilo every week and that takes into account having a period, my birthday and having a gain. And that’s still about what I expected to lose by now, if not slightly more. So there is no point analysing stuff to death. What I am doing IS working. I’d be mad to change it.
Right, wedding wise. Am pleased to report the dvd arrived of the wedding our videographer did in December. I started off feeling a little horrified as I watched it, as some bits such as the bride and her bridesmaid hanging out at the house in the morning just chatting and stuff looked so FORCED. They looked SO self conscious and uncomfortable and I was all thinking ‘oh god this guy is RUBBISH’. Then I realised that it probably wasn’t HIM as much as the people he was filming who were just getting used to having the camera there. And I will have two bridesmaids, not just one so we aren’t just going to sit around trying to think of things to say to each other – especially as one bridesmaid is a self-described wanton exhibitionist. In fact I will probably have trouble getting MYSELF on camera at ALL. And we’ll have the hair and makeup ladies there and stuff. So it will be more lively and fun and we will be drinking and stuff and just generally being excited. I hope. So I think we’ll go with this guy. It helps he’s the only one still available.
The other slightly funny thing about the video is that this couple had DJ Dick as their wedding dj. And he does sound like a complete game show host. Eeeeeeek.
Sunday 10 February 2008
Run, don't walk
I managed a 10 minute run at the gym today and it felt fabulous. Possibly even more fabulous than weighing in at 69.3kg this morning (yeah, I'm giving up beating myself up over checking the scales every day - I'm on a fucking diet, I have to have SOME vices). I started off with a 10 minute session on the cross trainer doing 'fat burn' programme, then a 10 minute run, 5 mins at level 9, 4 mins at level 9.5 then a minute at level 10. God I felt like I was flying and my knees didn't make a single peep. Hurrah. Then 10 minutes on the rower at level 8 (I'm only able to do about 1710 metres in that time, where in the old old days I was up around 1850. Sigh). Then 15 minutes uphill walking starting at incline 7 and going up to incline 14, then 15 minutes on the cross trainer, random programme level 8. I estimated I probably burnt around 600 calories if the machines are accurate (which they're not) in that 60 minutes. Stoked.
I'm still thinking about whether I can make it to the gym 5 times a week from now on until Boston. Problem is, I'm going to be struggling to even get there 4 times next week. I have an after work seminar on Wednesday evening, Thursday is Valentines Day and G and I have decided not to go out this year but to stay home and have nice wine and I'll cook a nice dinner, Friday we're meeting G's best man and hopefully his wife and then Sunday we are going around for dinner at the other groomsman's place. So a busy week and I think I'm going to have to go to the gym twice on the weekend to compensate. My alcohol points are going to be an issue too.
So based on my weight being 69.3, I have lost 3.5kg since the new year. That doesn't seem like much but only about 1.5kg to go before I start to notice a difference in my clothes (it used to be that a 5kg loss for me meant a full dress size. I'm not going to hope that this is still the case, so am just hoping it will mean a real 'woah' moment when I put on some clothes I haven't worn in a while).
Speaking of clothes i haven't worn in a while, I just put my size 32 James jeans on that i bought to go to NZ last February. The zip doesn't even MEET let alone do up. Fuckety fuck. How the hell did I let myself get in THAT state again?? Well, my goal is to be wearing those fuckers in NZ when I go back at the end of June. James Jeans or bust. Game on.
I'm still thinking about whether I can make it to the gym 5 times a week from now on until Boston. Problem is, I'm going to be struggling to even get there 4 times next week. I have an after work seminar on Wednesday evening, Thursday is Valentines Day and G and I have decided not to go out this year but to stay home and have nice wine and I'll cook a nice dinner, Friday we're meeting G's best man and hopefully his wife and then Sunday we are going around for dinner at the other groomsman's place. So a busy week and I think I'm going to have to go to the gym twice on the weekend to compensate. My alcohol points are going to be an issue too.
So based on my weight being 69.3, I have lost 3.5kg since the new year. That doesn't seem like much but only about 1.5kg to go before I start to notice a difference in my clothes (it used to be that a 5kg loss for me meant a full dress size. I'm not going to hope that this is still the case, so am just hoping it will mean a real 'woah' moment when I put on some clothes I haven't worn in a while).
Speaking of clothes i haven't worn in a while, I just put my size 32 James jeans on that i bought to go to NZ last February. The zip doesn't even MEET let alone do up. Fuckety fuck. How the hell did I let myself get in THAT state again?? Well, my goal is to be wearing those fuckers in NZ when I go back at the end of June. James Jeans or bust. Game on.
Saturday 9 February 2008
Back in the game, baby
So my weigh in yesterday was a joy to behold. 69.7kg. As I said, back in the game. Officially I have now reached the 7 pound loss mark which is a half a stone. Stoked. And today, despite my best intentions i got on the scale this morning to see a cool 69.4kg. Yes, you heard me, 69.4. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.
I'm feeling a whole lot better about life, despite going out to a friend's today for lunch and having about a quazillion points. We had pate and toast for starters (oh dear GOD), pork roast and rice and vegetables for lunch, meringue nest with hot chocolate sauce for pudding, and cheese. I had like a weeny bit of cheese, 2 glasses of champagne, 3 glasses of white and 1 glass of red. So that's about 7 points of wine to start with, 8 for the pate and toast (I'm doing this in my head, bear with me), I'm going to say 6 for the pork and rice and 4 for the pudding. Oh crap, that's like 25 points over the course of the day. Fuck. I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast (3 points) and I have a 3 point marks and spencer salad for dinner (if i feel like it, don't at the moment) so for today that will be 31 points all up. I'm allowed 19 a day so I'm over 12 points. I saved 17 points so I have 5 points left over to have extra tomorrow. Ok, I can live with that.
Right, so moving on from 'counting with WideBride', nothing much of note to report on really. The friends that we went to see today have the most GORGEOUS 18 month old baby boy. Oh my god SO cute. Seriously, his eyelashes went on for miles and he had such a cute smile. I commented to G as we left that my ovaries were crying and they were (still are). And it was so cool to see G really interacting with him - I could really get a sense of how he would be as a father. God I can't WAIT to have babies. For the cuteness and the maternity leave...!
Still no freaking dvd from the videographer. Seriously, what the HELL? So annoying. But happily, its my big day tomorrow where I get to do what I want. G is away all day so I'm going to wake up, read in bed, go to the gym, come back, watch tv, read bridal magazines, sleep some more, watch more tv, do some beauty maintenance and sleep some more. God its going to be BRILLIANT.
Right well, some old bridal magazines are a-calling. Laters.
I'm feeling a whole lot better about life, despite going out to a friend's today for lunch and having about a quazillion points. We had pate and toast for starters (oh dear GOD), pork roast and rice and vegetables for lunch, meringue nest with hot chocolate sauce for pudding, and cheese. I had like a weeny bit of cheese, 2 glasses of champagne, 3 glasses of white and 1 glass of red. So that's about 7 points of wine to start with, 8 for the pate and toast (I'm doing this in my head, bear with me), I'm going to say 6 for the pork and rice and 4 for the pudding. Oh crap, that's like 25 points over the course of the day. Fuck. I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast (3 points) and I have a 3 point marks and spencer salad for dinner (if i feel like it, don't at the moment) so for today that will be 31 points all up. I'm allowed 19 a day so I'm over 12 points. I saved 17 points so I have 5 points left over to have extra tomorrow. Ok, I can live with that.
Right, so moving on from 'counting with WideBride', nothing much of note to report on really. The friends that we went to see today have the most GORGEOUS 18 month old baby boy. Oh my god SO cute. Seriously, his eyelashes went on for miles and he had such a cute smile. I commented to G as we left that my ovaries were crying and they were (still are). And it was so cool to see G really interacting with him - I could really get a sense of how he would be as a father. God I can't WAIT to have babies. For the cuteness and the maternity leave...!
Still no freaking dvd from the videographer. Seriously, what the HELL? So annoying. But happily, its my big day tomorrow where I get to do what I want. G is away all day so I'm going to wake up, read in bed, go to the gym, come back, watch tv, read bridal magazines, sleep some more, watch more tv, do some beauty maintenance and sleep some more. God its going to be BRILLIANT.
Right well, some old bridal magazines are a-calling. Laters.
Thursday 7 February 2008
Your butt is so much smaller
So I weighed myself yesterday (I know, I know) and I was 71.1 then again today and I was 69.9. So back to my lowest official weight (this time around). Hopefully I can sustain that for the official weigh in tomorrow, and another couple of hundred grams on top wouldn’t go astray either. I only had tomato and basil soup and 7 (or 25g) mini bruschetta that I found in Waitrose. Yummiest ever, they are like tiny little bruschetta with olive oil on them and for 7 or a quarter of the pack its 1.5 points. Brilliant. So I wasn’t overloaded on carbs then wondering while the scale hated me. Will employ that little trick tonight and just have salmon or tuna and veges for dinner so I don’t retain unnecessary water with stupid carbs.
The other good thing that happened the other night was that I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and G came up for a butt-grope and goes ‘woah, your butt is so much smaller’. And he would know. So THAT was nice. He said it seemed higher somehow as if it were more toned and asked if I was doing special butt-reducing exercising. So I’m putting that down to the 15 minute fast uphill walking I’ve been doing on the treadmill. I am definitely going to keep that up even when I can run again because I really do think that makes a difference. I can feel the backs of my legs really burning and I thoroughly hate it so it MUST be good for me.
I’ve been to the gym twice this week and going again tonight. Last night I decided to up my workout to include a 10minute session on the rower at level 7. It actually felt like it was a bit easy though and when I finished that and went on to the bike I felt like I had had a 10 minute break. So tonight I’m going to do it at level 8 and see if that makes a difference. I might also put the bike up to level 11. I won’t touch the cross trainer though as by the end of 15 minutes at level 8 I actually DO want to die and I’m tired and sweaty and almost in a dream-like state, such is my exhaustion.
So my week of not drinking is going well and I’m not even really tempted to have a drink. So good. I have no plans for Friday night which is nice. On Saturday G and I are going to have lunch at a friend of his. She is cooking up a 3 course lunch apparently and we’re bringing the wine so I have been saving points all week for that. It will be nice I’m sure but I hate having to have a miserable week saving points only to use them all up for 1 meal when its not even something I would necessarily choose to have (unless its mince pie and mash – oooh I’d love me some mince pie and mash).
So things are finally moving on the wedding front. Today I have ordered our save the date cards. They are beautiful so really excited – they are called Penley and are from Cardlab. The card is soft ivory and the ribbon colour is biscotti. I briefly flirted with having juniper ribbon but in the end I decided the green wasn’t quite right – a little too dark. Will post a picture when we get the proof. Of course they frigging well ought to be perfect given that they are costing £190 but that’s letter press for you. We have our initial guest list in order and that comes to 190 people (I didn’t even think I KNEW 190 people) so we are ordering 100 save the date cards and will have a few extras left over for the people we inevitably forget.
Our videographer’s dvd still hasn’t shown up which is annoying. Fingers crossed its there tonight. And I have been working on our itinerary for when we go back to NZ on holiday in July so that I know where I’ll be and when to give people like my florist, hair person etc an idea when I can meet them. It is going to be one stressful ‘holiday’ but I’ll feel better once I’ve met people and things are coming together and I can visualise things a lot better. I’m also hoping to find a place that does wedding invitations in NZ because the cost of the ones I want here are frankly CRIMINAL (£350 for 100 invitations, £130 for 100 acceptance cards and £110 for extra information sheets which we will probably need – nearly £600!!! That’s absurd for something that’s going to be thrown away. Oh but so beautiful…)
Later...
The fucking dvd is still not here.
The other good thing that happened the other night was that I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and G came up for a butt-grope and goes ‘woah, your butt is so much smaller’. And he would know. So THAT was nice. He said it seemed higher somehow as if it were more toned and asked if I was doing special butt-reducing exercising. So I’m putting that down to the 15 minute fast uphill walking I’ve been doing on the treadmill. I am definitely going to keep that up even when I can run again because I really do think that makes a difference. I can feel the backs of my legs really burning and I thoroughly hate it so it MUST be good for me.
I’ve been to the gym twice this week and going again tonight. Last night I decided to up my workout to include a 10minute session on the rower at level 7. It actually felt like it was a bit easy though and when I finished that and went on to the bike I felt like I had had a 10 minute break. So tonight I’m going to do it at level 8 and see if that makes a difference. I might also put the bike up to level 11. I won’t touch the cross trainer though as by the end of 15 minutes at level 8 I actually DO want to die and I’m tired and sweaty and almost in a dream-like state, such is my exhaustion.
So my week of not drinking is going well and I’m not even really tempted to have a drink. So good. I have no plans for Friday night which is nice. On Saturday G and I are going to have lunch at a friend of his. She is cooking up a 3 course lunch apparently and we’re bringing the wine so I have been saving points all week for that. It will be nice I’m sure but I hate having to have a miserable week saving points only to use them all up for 1 meal when its not even something I would necessarily choose to have (unless its mince pie and mash – oooh I’d love me some mince pie and mash).
So things are finally moving on the wedding front. Today I have ordered our save the date cards. They are beautiful so really excited – they are called Penley and are from Cardlab. The card is soft ivory and the ribbon colour is biscotti. I briefly flirted with having juniper ribbon but in the end I decided the green wasn’t quite right – a little too dark. Will post a picture when we get the proof. Of course they frigging well ought to be perfect given that they are costing £190 but that’s letter press for you. We have our initial guest list in order and that comes to 190 people (I didn’t even think I KNEW 190 people) so we are ordering 100 save the date cards and will have a few extras left over for the people we inevitably forget.
Our videographer’s dvd still hasn’t shown up which is annoying. Fingers crossed its there tonight. And I have been working on our itinerary for when we go back to NZ on holiday in July so that I know where I’ll be and when to give people like my florist, hair person etc an idea when I can meet them. It is going to be one stressful ‘holiday’ but I’ll feel better once I’ve met people and things are coming together and I can visualise things a lot better. I’m also hoping to find a place that does wedding invitations in NZ because the cost of the ones I want here are frankly CRIMINAL (£350 for 100 invitations, £130 for 100 acceptance cards and £110 for extra information sheets which we will probably need – nearly £600!!! That’s absurd for something that’s going to be thrown away. Oh but so beautiful…)
Later...
The fucking dvd is still not here.
Tuesday 5 February 2008
Warning: R18
I am getting REALLY fucked off with the fucking scale. Just what the hell is its problem with me anyway? Would it KILL it to show a fucking loss? Would it??
Right, rant over. You may be mistaken for thinking I’m premenstrual and therefore retaining water. I am NOT although at least that would be a proper reason. I have been to the gym 4 times each week for the past 3 weeks and have stayed within my points each week without any binges or anything. I have gone over in my alcohol points (self-imposed) the last 2 weeks but still stayed within my actual points so what the hell? It can’t be a plateau as it’s far too early on in the diet. I MUST be losing weight, surely. So why is the scale not giving me any love? I just NEED to see a lower number. Until I can start fitting in to my ‘skinny’ clothes, I need to be able to see measurable changes on the dang scale. Please scale gods, I IMPLORE you.
Right, on the wedding front I am also annoyed that the videographer guy’s demo dvd still hasn’t come in the mail. I was really hoping I could watch it tonight and feel reassured that the only videographer available in the Hawkes Bay to do my wedding is not in fact a serial killer.
I just can’t catch a break.
Right, rant over. You may be mistaken for thinking I’m premenstrual and therefore retaining water. I am NOT although at least that would be a proper reason. I have been to the gym 4 times each week for the past 3 weeks and have stayed within my points each week without any binges or anything. I have gone over in my alcohol points (self-imposed) the last 2 weeks but still stayed within my actual points so what the hell? It can’t be a plateau as it’s far too early on in the diet. I MUST be losing weight, surely. So why is the scale not giving me any love? I just NEED to see a lower number. Until I can start fitting in to my ‘skinny’ clothes, I need to be able to see measurable changes on the dang scale. Please scale gods, I IMPLORE you.
Right, on the wedding front I am also annoyed that the videographer guy’s demo dvd still hasn’t come in the mail. I was really hoping I could watch it tonight and feel reassured that the only videographer available in the Hawkes Bay to do my wedding is not in fact a serial killer.
I just can’t catch a break.
Sunday 3 February 2008
Try-on February 2008: the results
Complete anti-climax. I tried on my two pairs of monsoon size 14 pants, my size 12 cord Zara skirt and my size 14 black Zara suit pants. I think these will be my experiement clothing items. So, the results:
1. Pair 1 size 14 Monsoon pants, light material: Go on, button up, but look HIDEOUS. Gunt alert.
2. Pair 2 size 14 Monsoon pants, heavier material: Go on better than the lighter material ones but still a whole lotta muffin going on up above. In no way are they wearable.
3. Cord Zara size 12 skirt: Waist has to go up to my ribs just to go on, but damn it, the skirt zips up. Not wearable.
4. Size 14 black Zara suit pants: A pleasant surprise, this pair. They pull across the butt but they are infinitely more wearable than the last time I tried to put them on (either 6 or 13 January, I can't remember). Not wearable at the moment but I think the next time I need to be suited up (Feb 25) they should be wearable. Thank god.
So, not a brilliant session but if I'm honest with myself, I wasn't expecting miracles. The next try on session will be in 4 weeks time (except for my Zara suit pants which I'm going to try on on 24 February, the day before I have a big work thing on, just in case they fit). I am expecting big things. Do you hear me? BIG things.
1. Pair 1 size 14 Monsoon pants, light material: Go on, button up, but look HIDEOUS. Gunt alert.
2. Pair 2 size 14 Monsoon pants, heavier material: Go on better than the lighter material ones but still a whole lotta muffin going on up above. In no way are they wearable.
3. Cord Zara size 12 skirt: Waist has to go up to my ribs just to go on, but damn it, the skirt zips up. Not wearable.
4. Size 14 black Zara suit pants: A pleasant surprise, this pair. They pull across the butt but they are infinitely more wearable than the last time I tried to put them on (either 6 or 13 January, I can't remember). Not wearable at the moment but I think the next time I need to be suited up (Feb 25) they should be wearable. Thank god.
So, not a brilliant session but if I'm honest with myself, I wasn't expecting miracles. The next try on session will be in 4 weeks time (except for my Zara suit pants which I'm going to try on on 24 February, the day before I have a big work thing on, just in case they fit). I am expecting big things. Do you hear me? BIG things.
Saturday 2 February 2008
I'll never learn
So after the stern talking to I gave myself earlier in the week about weighing myself every day, guess what I did. Go on, guess. Yeah so today's weigh in was 70.6kg. For fucks sake. But I didn't let it deter me, and I picked myself up off the bathroom floor (where I was throwing a major hissy-fit), dusted myself off and went to the gym (via more time in bed with G, cereal, low fat yoghurt, coffee and my book). I got in a good 50 minute work out and it was actually starting to feel easier so I might have to think about raising my resistance levels on the machines.
Then I came home and had my poached eggs on toast and did a couple of loads of laundry. Then G and I decided to go for a walk because it has been a beautiful day here in London. Fricking cold, but lovely. So we went for a long walk along the river and settled in at a pub with a pint of leffe and the papers. Bliss. And I managed to NOT buy a bridal magazine (because I have them all, but still).
So its aubergine and lentil curry for dinner (3 pts). Starving!
The big try on is tomorrow. Results to follow.
Then I came home and had my poached eggs on toast and did a couple of loads of laundry. Then G and I decided to go for a walk because it has been a beautiful day here in London. Fricking cold, but lovely. So we went for a long walk along the river and settled in at a pub with a pint of leffe and the papers. Bliss. And I managed to NOT buy a bridal magazine (because I have them all, but still).
So its aubergine and lentil curry for dinner (3 pts). Starving!
The big try on is tomorrow. Results to follow.
Friday 1 February 2008
Weigh in
Yeah well I’m up 200g or nearly half a pound to 70.1kg/11 stone 0.5 pounds/156 pounds (I think, it was like an hour or so ago that I weighed myself and I barely took any notice, so full of disgust was I). I knew I was going to have a gain so I’m not devastated and as far as gains go, 200g is liveable. Its like a burp. I can deal. And it means the Scale Gods might be really good to me next week and give me a nice loss of 1kg to be down around the 69kg mark. I would be very happy with that. But lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Tomorrow is the weekend thank god. Its been a loooong week and I’m quite over it. G is out most of tomorrow with a friend so I have the day to myself which is kind of like a luxury (but will of course miss G desperately. Ahem). My plans are to sleep late, get up and make myself a coffee and toast and bring it back to bed where I will read my book and no one will growl me for wasting half the day (a good portion of my single life was taken up with coffee, toast and a book in bed. I do believe its my favourite place). Then I’ll go to the gym where I will probably have a really good workout as I will be nice and refreshed from the 14 hours sleep I’m hoping to get.
Then I’ll come back home, have poached eggs on toast for lunch and read lots of bridal magazines and watch American television (God how I want Elliot-off-Scrubs’ hair) and maybe do some chores (stupid shower needs cleaning, bathroom needs cleaning, ironing, kitchen floors – bah). Then G will come home and we will have maybe a nice glass of white wine (the cutting down on drinking is killing me but it means I really look forward to a glass of wine with G) and I will cook a WW dish from my new WW cookbook my friend V got me for my birthday. Am thinking red lentil and aubergine curry. Then an episode of the Tudors on DVD (a Christmas present from G – I HEART Henry XIII) or maybe a movie then bed time for more sleep. Bliss. Actually, that kind of is my perfect day.
Also at some point in the day I plan to do a big try-on. I will do these monthly at the start of the month and it will consist of basically just trying on all my ‘skinny clothes’ (oh god, its depressing to think of clothes that actually got too big for me as ‘skinny clothes’) to see where I’m at, size-wise. Which really is always more relevant than a stupid number on the scale (yes, am still sulking from my gain. If I couldn’t LOSE weight, why wouldn’t I have just stayed at 69.9???). I have two pairs of size 14 Monsoon trousers that I would like to be wearing in Boston. The last time I tried them on they did up but it was NOT pretty and they were definitely not wearable. Actually now that I think about it, I’m not entirely sure they DID do up. In any event they didn’t stay on long because the sight of it was so depressing. So there are those trousers, then there are my Gap jeans which I really do NOT like because they are quite low rise and every time I bend over they slide right down my butt (and not in a good way) which just annoys me. They just emphasise my muffin top and I spend the whole time hoiking them up because I don’t feel securely contained in them. I can’t remember what size they are (Gap have recently changed their sizes from like 8, 10, 12 etc to 32, 34, 36 etc and I just don’t know WHERE I am with that) so will check. So will do a try on of these and other clothes and hopefully I will be able to reintroduce some items in to my wardrobe because I am getting heartily sick of wearing the same clothes over and over.
Speaking of the same clothes, I am wearing today my Wallis petite size 16 trousers. They are a REALLY weird shape I have decided. They fit reasonably well around the waist (by which I mean top of the hips where they settle, they’re not waist height pants but my hips are so big that the difference between the swell of my hips and my waist is like an inch) but they are really baggy in the thigh and gunt area (for those not familiar with the term ‘gunt’ it means the pouchy bit that some ladies have and it is a cross between a gut and a, well, word ending in ~unt). Now, I do have a gunt. It is the bane of my life and is so disgusting it makes me feel ill to look at it. But these trousers must be designed for the uber-gunt as I can literally grab a very large handful of excess fabric in this area. Really weird. Anyway, hoping to not have to wear these for much longer.
On the wedding front, G and I talked last night and decided we will go with DJ Dick even though he sounds like a dick. I just want someone professional who we can rely on and who will actually tell us what to do and when on the day. I am a control freak for sure, but when it comes down to it, I would rather someone tell me what to do than have to use my initiative myself. Complex, no?
……………………
So its now Friday afternoon and I’ve just had lunch – Eat vegetarian sushi which is 4pts and a large red pepper and tomato soup, 1.5pts. I have also bought a large banana but I’m going to see how I go as to whether or not I eat it because right now I am really rather full.
G has just emailed me to tell me that this thing he’s doing with a friend has now been postponed till next Sunday which means my perfect Saturday will also have to wait. But at least I don’t have to get my own breakfast in bed (G is in many ways, nay, every way the perfect man – he gets me breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday. I know). So will have to think of new plans for this weekend. It will have to involve cleaning though – the place really is disgusting. And I will be going to the gym tomorrow. Also, am going to try with all my might NOT to go on the scales until Tuesday. I’ll allow myself a sneaky peek on Tuesday before my official way in day on Friday.
Still no desire to binge or cheat on my diet. Well no REAL desire anyway. Cool.
Tomorrow is the weekend thank god. Its been a loooong week and I’m quite over it. G is out most of tomorrow with a friend so I have the day to myself which is kind of like a luxury (but will of course miss G desperately. Ahem). My plans are to sleep late, get up and make myself a coffee and toast and bring it back to bed where I will read my book and no one will growl me for wasting half the day (a good portion of my single life was taken up with coffee, toast and a book in bed. I do believe its my favourite place). Then I’ll go to the gym where I will probably have a really good workout as I will be nice and refreshed from the 14 hours sleep I’m hoping to get.
Then I’ll come back home, have poached eggs on toast for lunch and read lots of bridal magazines and watch American television (God how I want Elliot-off-Scrubs’ hair) and maybe do some chores (stupid shower needs cleaning, bathroom needs cleaning, ironing, kitchen floors – bah). Then G will come home and we will have maybe a nice glass of white wine (the cutting down on drinking is killing me but it means I really look forward to a glass of wine with G) and I will cook a WW dish from my new WW cookbook my friend V got me for my birthday. Am thinking red lentil and aubergine curry. Then an episode of the Tudors on DVD (a Christmas present from G – I HEART Henry XIII) or maybe a movie then bed time for more sleep. Bliss. Actually, that kind of is my perfect day.
Also at some point in the day I plan to do a big try-on. I will do these monthly at the start of the month and it will consist of basically just trying on all my ‘skinny clothes’ (oh god, its depressing to think of clothes that actually got too big for me as ‘skinny clothes’) to see where I’m at, size-wise. Which really is always more relevant than a stupid number on the scale (yes, am still sulking from my gain. If I couldn’t LOSE weight, why wouldn’t I have just stayed at 69.9???). I have two pairs of size 14 Monsoon trousers that I would like to be wearing in Boston. The last time I tried them on they did up but it was NOT pretty and they were definitely not wearable. Actually now that I think about it, I’m not entirely sure they DID do up. In any event they didn’t stay on long because the sight of it was so depressing. So there are those trousers, then there are my Gap jeans which I really do NOT like because they are quite low rise and every time I bend over they slide right down my butt (and not in a good way) which just annoys me. They just emphasise my muffin top and I spend the whole time hoiking them up because I don’t feel securely contained in them. I can’t remember what size they are (Gap have recently changed their sizes from like 8, 10, 12 etc to 32, 34, 36 etc and I just don’t know WHERE I am with that) so will check. So will do a try on of these and other clothes and hopefully I will be able to reintroduce some items in to my wardrobe because I am getting heartily sick of wearing the same clothes over and over.
Speaking of the same clothes, I am wearing today my Wallis petite size 16 trousers. They are a REALLY weird shape I have decided. They fit reasonably well around the waist (by which I mean top of the hips where they settle, they’re not waist height pants but my hips are so big that the difference between the swell of my hips and my waist is like an inch) but they are really baggy in the thigh and gunt area (for those not familiar with the term ‘gunt’ it means the pouchy bit that some ladies have and it is a cross between a gut and a, well, word ending in ~unt). Now, I do have a gunt. It is the bane of my life and is so disgusting it makes me feel ill to look at it. But these trousers must be designed for the uber-gunt as I can literally grab a very large handful of excess fabric in this area. Really weird. Anyway, hoping to not have to wear these for much longer.
On the wedding front, G and I talked last night and decided we will go with DJ Dick even though he sounds like a dick. I just want someone professional who we can rely on and who will actually tell us what to do and when on the day. I am a control freak for sure, but when it comes down to it, I would rather someone tell me what to do than have to use my initiative myself. Complex, no?
……………………
So its now Friday afternoon and I’ve just had lunch – Eat vegetarian sushi which is 4pts and a large red pepper and tomato soup, 1.5pts. I have also bought a large banana but I’m going to see how I go as to whether or not I eat it because right now I am really rather full.
G has just emailed me to tell me that this thing he’s doing with a friend has now been postponed till next Sunday which means my perfect Saturday will also have to wait. But at least I don’t have to get my own breakfast in bed (G is in many ways, nay, every way the perfect man – he gets me breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday. I know). So will have to think of new plans for this weekend. It will have to involve cleaning though – the place really is disgusting. And I will be going to the gym tomorrow. Also, am going to try with all my might NOT to go on the scales until Tuesday. I’ll allow myself a sneaky peek on Tuesday before my official way in day on Friday.
Still no desire to binge or cheat on my diet. Well no REAL desire anyway. Cool.
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