On the brink

Well I'm back in London after a few days up north for work. Its not been a great time for Widebride. Not a great time at ALL. I didn't seriously fall off the wagon or anything but it was HARD GOING and my motivation for some reason is at an all time low.

On Monday, the most stressful day, I did reasonably well even though I was feeling like shit all day. I woke up with slightly swollen glands, a tickly cough and a blocked nose. Brilliant start. I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast, then carrot and coriander soup for lunch with most of a brown bread roll. After work, I took myself off to Marks and got some dinner for the night and the next night. I also managed to wander past Primark and drop a cool £40 in there... Ahem.

So I went back to the hotel and decided I would go do a workout to see if it would clear my foggy head and sinuses. I managed 50 minutes (no run) and called it a night. I went back to my room and had a hot bath which was nice but I wasn't feeling any better. I ate the butternut squash and chicken salad from Marks that I bought the day before, and had some fruit salad and yoghurt for pudding. I finished the day on 14.5 points, thus saving 3.5.

Tuesday I woke up feeling as equally rough - I mean its one thing if I'd downed an entire bottle of chardonnay but quite another when I was eating well and exercising. Curses. To make myself feel better, I decided to have a hot breakfast consisting of a big splodge of scrambled egg, a poached egg, a slice of bacon, some tomatoes and mushrooms. What can I say - clearly I was needing protein. Oh and I called it 5 points - sue me. At that point, I very nearly decided I had fucked up the whole day and might as well just eat pies for lunch. But I exercised some restraint and instead had a turkey salad sandwich (made to order so no butter or other hidden nasties) and a banana. Then in order to appease my guilt at my 5 point breakfast, I went to the gym for 60 minutes to really try and sweat my fricking cold out. Didn't work.

Dinner was potato and egg salad and prawns, then fruit salad and yoghurt for later. I came in at 18 points for the day and I was BARELY holding on my my fingernails. I just wanted to eat big warm comforting carbs and I couldn't. It was an all time low.

Yesterday I had a much healthier breakfast - cereal with yoghurt and a small glass of apple juice. Lunch was vegetarian sushi and mango so I was up to 9.5 pts by 1.30pm. I had to get the train back to London that day so I figured I would have some grapes or something on the train (prepurchased at WH Smith with a wedding mag) but I was foiled when I couldn't find any. And I was a bit concerned as G was was in charge of cooking dinner and i didn't know how many points I needed to reserve. I thought it would be something very carb-y so I just decided to go without.

I sat on the train, opened my mag and took a swig of diet coke feeling miserable and hungry. And THEN some FUCKER came in my carriage eating a pasty so the whole carriage was filled with the smell of hot meat and pastry. My GOD it was agony. I wanted to cry at that point. Or mug him. Either or.

But I held it together and made it to London just having diet coke as a snack. Distinctly unsatisfying. But G (bless him) had made baked turkey breast with honey glazed carrots. I had a really small piece of turkey so called it 3pts instead of 4, leaving me 1.5pts for fruit salad for pudding. So again, I held it together even though the smell of G's red wine kept wafting in my direction making me want to cry. Or mug him. Either or.

Today has been a bit easier even though I'm still feeling like arse. I had a weightwatchers cereal bar for breakfast, a banana for morning tea, a bread roll and chicken slices for lunch, then yoghurt and pineapple for afternoon tea to sustain me through a rigorous gym session. I was feeling good about my decision to go despite feeling exhausted, having a headache and a bunged up nose.

I got almost to the gym door when I realised I hadn't posted the card to my friend who has just had a baby. So I detoured a bit to go by the post box when it happened. A little voice popped in to my head - you're tired, you're sick, the supermarket is right there, why don't you just flag the gym until you're feeling better.

So just like that, I didn't go. I don't know why I'm now obsessing over that decision and feeling like I'm cheating. Maybe because I only went once last week and was really hoping for 4 full sessions this week. Maybe its because I really am teetering on the edge of holding this diet together and I feel like one chink in my armour will lead to another, leading to another, leading to me giving it up altogether.

Its 3 weeks today that we go off to Boston and after my weigh in this morning (67.6kg) I have just over 1 and a half kilos to lose to reach my goal. God I'd love to do it I really would. Its going to be hard though - I have work drinks tomorrow (but I'll go easy - the cheap wine we get there really isn't worth it), G and I are going to Brighton on Saturday. Next week I have a work networking schmoozing evening (oh GOD) which will feature wine (a necessary evil to survive what is going to be a shocker of an evening - honestly, I would rather be fat than have to go through THAT sober), Thursday G and I are going out for dinner to celebrate the one year anniversary of our engagement. Thank god the weekend is clear so I will aim for 5 gym sessions that week. Then the weekend after we go to Edinburgh for G's work (2 big work dinners - great), the next Monday is G's mother's birthday and we're going out for dinner (again, I will need alcohol for that) then on the Thursday we fly the friendly skies.

So long story short, I have a LOT of social things coming up where eating is not going to be in my control (well, the menu isnt' going to be in my control) so I'm a bit worried about that.

But its the February try on this weekend and I'm really looking forward to that. I am expecting big things so I just hope to god I'm not disappointed. I really really want to be in those damn monsoon pants for Boston so they need to be on the verge of fitting this weekend. G said this morning that he thought I was looking very trim so hopefully I will get there.

In wedding news, the save the date cards arrived today!!! They are SO beautiful I could just cry. Will address them all this weekend - or at least make a start.